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Essay: The Impact of Parental Loss on Teenagers: Understanding the Psychological Effects of Grief

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  • Published: 1 April 2019*
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“Where are the words for the tumult, the changes, and the pain? How do we know we will survive?” (Silverman). No one can truly comprehend the pain and sorrow that a person feels after the loss of a parent. Parents are the first people that a child will meet when they are born, the ones that pick them up when they scrape their knee, and the ones that will always support them throughout their lives. The loss of that support system can be extremely detrimental, especially to teenagers in their formative years.  A person’s teenage years are often said to be the most critical time in their development. Becoming a teenager means gaining personal identity and shaping who someone will become, as well as a time to glimpse into adulthood while still having the support of a parent.

The loss of a parent during a person’s adolescence can alter the course of their life and development substantially. It is often said that the teenage years are the most vulnerable for a person, allowing death to cause a much more detrimental impact. The loss of a parent can cause deep psychological effects on an adolescent, stemming from multiple factors, that can last them throughout the entirety of their lives. There is very little research around death’s actual impact on teenagers and how to best aid them through one of the most difficult life events that a person can experience. That being said, there are many ways in which the surviving parent and those around the teenager can help aid them in their healing process and guide them in towards a happy and healthy adulthood.

The loss of a parent can have profound and complex effects on a teenager’s maturation. Nadine M. Melhem, a psychiatrist who had dedicated part of her study into child and adolescent grief, states, “The death of a parent is consistently rated as one of the most stressful life events that a child or adolescent can experience.1,2 In Western countries, 4% of children and adolescents experience the death of a parent, and approximately 1 in 20 children and adolescents in the United States experience such a loss before age 18 years” (Melhem). Though this issue does not affect a large majority of the population, it can be a truly influential event to those that is does affect. “Our ongoing, longitudinal study of the impact of sudden parental death on children and adolescents, exposure to parental death was found to result in an increased risk of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during the first year and persisting into the second year after the death” (Melhem). Death is isolating, removing people from the normal life and interactions that they are used to. Though little research has been done surrounding teenagers’ reaction to death, the risks that have been found can persist into maturity and further isolate them from the help they need.

Death is not just quantified by numbers and diagnosable conditions. This traumatic event can also shape a teenager’s personality and way of thinking. Trish Morgan was only 17 when her father, Chuck Loughridge, passed away from a heart condition, leaving behind her mother, and her 4 siblings as well. She discussed how the loss of her father has shaped not only her view of death, but also love itself. “I didn’t have a lot of faith in long term relationships, and I have a very hard bitter shell now. So, when people talk about death, it doesn’t impact me the same way because I won’t let it”. The loss of her father altered her perception of relationship permanence, causing her to believe that nothing can last forever because everyone dies eventually. Along with this, she is now less capable of being compassionate to those experiencing a loss. This lack of emotion and trust is often seen in people who have lost a parent. Losing a parent at such a pivotal time in a person’s growth can continue to shape then even through adulthood, as seen in Morgan’s case.

Grief is a powerful feeling that can influence the healing process greatly. Grief can manifest itself in different ways, but everyone experiences it while dealing with a loss. “Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one” (APA). Teenagers, however, often have a difficult time expressing said grief, leaving them with very little ability to grieve correctly. Phyllis Silverman, a writer for Psychology Today, writes, “Many fear that their child is not grieving in a way that they can identify as grief. They worry this lack of grieving can have a negative impact on their child's future mental health” (Silverman).

Adolescents are in such a confusing time in their lives that expressing any type of emotion can be difficult.  Alan Wolfelt, the author of  “Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief”, discusses teenager’s perplexing transition into adulthood. “Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults. With the exception of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence. Leaving the security of childhood, the adolescent begins the process of separation from parents. The death of a parent or sibling, then, can be a particularly devastating experience during this already difficult period” (Wolfelt). Changes in friendships, hormones, and different life events can further complicate a teenager’s emotions and making them feel like they are incapable of sharing.

Many teenagers who lose a parent feel the need to be strong and take on the role that the deceased parent once played in their family dynamic. “Many teens have been told, “Now, you will have to take care of your family.” When an adolescent feels a responsibility to “care for the family,” he or she does not have the opportunity–or the permission–to mourn” (Wolfelt). Many teens will overcompensate for the parent-shaped hole that has been left in their life by trying to mature too quickly and become the pseudo-parent. Especially when the teenager has younger siblings, they feel it is their duty to care for them and be the parent that they no longer have. This can be harmful to the teenager themselves because they are unable to grow up at a healthy pace or live through experiences that are quintessential to the young adult experience.

The use of coping mechanisms to deal with intense grief is something that can be seen not only in the event of a death, but also in many other types of distress. An issue only arises with this use when they become damaging to either the person or those around them. Many teenagers begin to challenge authority and defy societal norms, feeling angry with the world around them for taking their parent away and distressed by the loss. Trish Morgan remembers how she began to break the rules during the beginning of her college career, just a year and a half after the loss of her dad. “I kind of struggled through the college years because I didn’t really have a father figure in my life. My mom had her own journey in healing herself, so there wasn’t a lot of attention on me. I think that was why I was so rebellious because I felt like there was not a lot of authority watching over me”.  The lack of a parental figure there to help guide through difficult times can cause people to become indignant and feel as though rules no longer apply to them. This can manifest itself in the use of drugs and alcohol, unhealthy relationships, and an overall need to defy authority. These unhealthy coping mechanisms lead to a lack of ability to grieve properly, allowing the internal process of grief and healing to be influenced by external behaviors.

However, through the practice of healthy coping mechanisms, teenagers can aid themselves in their grief journey. Crying and the release of emotions is a necessary part of the grieving process. “Crying reflects some of the sense of catastrophe that can come with the loss of a parent. However, it doesn't begin to reflect what such a death can mean, and we all can't cry on cue or in public” (Silverman). Allowing oneself to feel and to cry is one of the best ways to accept these emotions and validate them. It allows for a release to occur that helps move through the stages of grief. Trish Morgan states, “What I learned from shedding all those tears was that you can’t cheat death, so it just makes you sad. But, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s the person who’s gone, not you, and now you have to find a way to get through it”.

There is much to be said for the love of a parent. The surviving parent plays a major role in the healing process of their child. “It becomes clear that the surviving parent's ability to continue to parent makes a big difference in how the child copes. Children, regardless of their age, need care and connection” (Silverman). Though they may feel like it, teens are not alone in their grief and in their healing process. Both the living parent and the teen themselves can take measures to help the teen heal and grieve in a healthy and beneficial way. “Teens often need caring adults to confirm that it’s alright to be sad and to feel a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies.” (Wolfelt).

As stated earlier, teenagers have a very difficult time expressing emotion or allowing themselves to feel. It is necessary that the surviving parent and the other around the teenager be gentle and kind in their delivery, allowing the teenager to feel comfortable expressing their emotions. “Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Someday the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one” (Mental Health America). Teenagers need a strong support system because it is almost impossible to get over a death alone. It is important that they have an adult they love and trust to confide in during a difficult time. “Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an adolescent. As a result of this death, the teen’s life is under reconstruction. Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts” (Wolfelt).

Also, teenagers are often in need of information due to the confusing nature of death. “Teenagers need to know about the family's financial situation and what the death means for how the family will manage. They cannot take the role of the dead parent, nor should they be expected to. They also need to know what changes may take place in the way the family lives together and manages, and how they can be helpful” (Silverman). Teenagers may not yet be adults, but they are capable of comprehending difficult situations and helping with new responsibilities if necessary. But, in order to do so, they must be treated in a mature and respectful way, not like a child.

It is also imperative that the living parent and other loved ones do not try to ignore the emotions that surround death or the death itself, but instead embrace it and honor their parent who has passed. Trish Morgan’s mother Nancy is an excellent example of this. “My mom was really good about reminding us to stay strong and that death happens sometimes. She would always tell us ‘You are my core.’ And so, we all just turned inwards and became stronger as a family.”

Death is an extremely taxing event that can often break a family apart. However, as the Loughridge family shows, it is possible to use death to bond together as a family unit. Each person in the family is experiencing something similar, and they can work to heal these emotions together. It is also crucial to not ignore or minimize the loss of a parent, but instead commemorate them. As Morgan states, “What we did as a family was that we didn’t pretend it didn’t happen. We always tell stories about Dad and honor him at his grave every year on his birthday. It’s a good way to keep his memory alive”. By honoring those they have lost, teenagers can begin to remember their lost parent in a happy light and start to imagine a life where they may not be there physically, but their memory lasts forever.

The loss of anyone in a person’s life can be hard to cope with, but the loss of a parent is entirely devastating, especially to a vulnerable teenager. The years that encompass adolescence are considered to be some of the most crucial in a person’s maturation, and any major events that occur during that time can be life-altering. Teenager’s lack of ability to express and process emotion, along with their changing body and mind heavily contribute to this. Because they are so impressionable, death takes a toll on adolescents that is unparallelled in other stages of development. This can lead to effects like higher rates of depression and PTSD, as well as an inability to comprehend emotions that carries on into a person’s adult life.

This being said, it is still possible for those who lose a parent during their adolescence to heal in healthy way that allows them to live a normal life. With the help of a strong support system and a willingness to share what one is feeling, it is truly possible to go through the stages of grief and still be able to thrive in later parts of life.

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