You are sitting at your school desk in Earth and Space science. Your last class of the day, and you know that it’s time to go. You have said this to yourself over a hundred times, but this time you know. You really know that this time; that this is real. You are tired… you are just so very tired. Your parents pissed you off horribly today, like school wasn’t already bad enough where you were just waiting to go home.. Wait that is everyday. You leave, and you decide.. Let it be the rope, or the knife, the gun, the razor blade or whatever you chose to use. This is your choice, and only your choice because you are the one that is so desperate to leave this world. You are completely ready to end all your pain and tears. You think of this, as it is some silly little game; the first few dead, the ones who win. You come home after school, nobody's home. This is the perfect time. You are ready. If you do not do this now, you are going to look down on yourself even more everyday, and regret your choice not to. You are going to hate those people even more who have pushed you this far, and hate yourself even more. No one will know that you took your own life until later on in the evening. It will be too late by the time they try to revive you. Instead of getting your classic paper and pen, you get the video camera, along with your purple desk chair. You decided to just go with the rope. You will be gone instantly, there won’t even be a noise for someone to worry about. You get it from the garage off the wall. You go back to your room. One side of the rope is attached to your ceiling fan, while the one is slightly resting on your shoulders, around your neck. You burst into tears, because you know that this is a hundred percent real this time. You feel your pain slowly go away, as you start realizing you will be gone soon. You turn on the video camera, put it on your desk beside you and, you look at the lens. You just stare at the red flashing light telling you it’s recording. You starting thinking about what you are going to say; all you can manage is to mumble out a few words. “Mom.. Dad.. I am so sorry. I think I am sorry at least. I don’t know if I can stay in this fucked up world much longer. I just do not know who I am anymore, I cannot do this anymore. I lost myself first week of high school when it all started, and I do not want to try to find myself anymore. Four years of enduring this pain, has been way too much and I am sorry. Do not blame yourself, please don’t. I love you both so very much, tell my siblings the exact same. Stay strong through the rest of your lives, and make sure you all are safe. I hope to see you all soon. Goodbye..”. You apologize to all three of your best friends because you know you will not be able to be there for them anymore. Especially when two young women are going to be going through so many heartbreaks and that he cannot go to you for advice anymore. You apologize to completely anyone and everyone you could possibly ever think of; you even apologized to yourself. You are sorry because you can no longer stand there and be strong anymore, for breaking down every other day and putting everyone in your life through so much pain. You stare, again at that red flashing light on your camera. You begin to stand up on your desk chair, you have the remote to turn off your camera in your left hand. You mouth the word goodbye, i love you just one last time. One foot is off the chair. Your finger is on the off button on that remote. You close your eyes, take a deep breath, and click that off button. You open your tear-filled eyes and watch that red light slowly turn off. You push your chair, because once that light went off, you went off. That purple desk chair, is now on the floor, and your house is now filled with a deep silence. You are gone. You are dead. There is no way of going back. Everything is completely over. You will not have to live in disappointment or pain anymore. Guess what? Everyone else will. What will you rparent thing? What about your best friends? Your little brother or sister? What is everyone that you were important to going to do? You are dead. There is no way to go back. You just ended your life because that chemistry teacher was harder on you than everyone else because you knew that he was out to get you for trying to be better. You left this world because the person you dreamed to live happily ever after with only likes you as a friend. Your parents just got home from picking up your siblings and going to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. They call your name letting you know that they are home safe. They do this everyday; you usually answer, but today… Something is different because you don’t answer. They don’t hear your fake happy voice saying “Hey mom and Dad”. They called your name again and again.. They get worried to pieces because you always answer or leave a not at the door if your not home. They walk up the stairs thinking maybe you are sleeping, showering or you forgot to leave a note. Your mom.. She opens your door, and screams at the top of her lungs, she couldn’t believe what was happening on front of her eyes. She passes out on the floor from shock. Your little brother comes upstairs after her. He screams.. “DAD HELP KATE PLEASE!!!”. He runs over to you.. Pulling and tugging on your legs trying to wake you up, he doesn’t understand what suicide is yet and cannot get his head wrapped around it. “WAKE UP KATE!”. You don’t answer, and you are not waking up. You are dead. You are gone. There is no waking up every morning anymore, or even after nap. Your father come running upstairs and all her could do as he walked into your room was stare. Starring at his babygirl hang from a rope, in her grey and purple room. His eyes find your chair and the video camera, he stays still, he doesn’t flinch, or blink. He is stiffer than a board. He gets his cell phone out of his pocket and calls 911. He starts to cry and he ever cries. Someone answers.. He can barely get the words of of his mouth. He cannot get the words “My daughter has committed suicide.” out of his mouth. Your little brother and little sister stare at your dad, not knowing what is next or what to do. Your father gets off the phone with 911, and you little brother and sister just hug him tight and start balling their eyes out. They do not fully understand, but they know that you are dead and gone. They know that there is no going back and that they will never have their sister back. Everything is done, and cannot be undone. The cops and ambulance finally arrive at 121 Byeland Drive. They take your father, sister and brother into another room and sit them down to talk. The paramedics, take your body down carefully off the noose, and lay you down carefully on a stretcher with a body bag on it. They zip the bag up, and out you go.. Out of your house, just like that. You are officially gone. You are dead. Two weeks have officially passed, your mother still stares out the front window, just waiting for you to come home. Your siblings have not went back to school yet because everything is too overwhelming. Your father was forced to go back to work with all the bills to pay, on top of the ones from your wake and funeral. Your bedroom door hasn't been opened for months, it hasn't even been touched, there is dust on the golden door knob. Your purple desk chair is still on it’s side, the video camera still on the table, and your noose still on the floor where the paramedics left it. Your parents never want to watch that video you made, they don’t want to remember that time. You video more than likely will never be watched, not even once for two seconds. Your parents decide to walk into your room, they removed that dust off your knob. They grab a garbage bag, and remove the noose from the floor. Chills go up their spine, goosebumps all over. Your mother is in tears, all she can smell is your lingering peach body spray and your pomegranate spray deodorant. They make your bed, make your lunch and wrote one last sticky note saying have a good day sweetheart. Your bed was made, chair was returned to your desk and your room was fully cleaned. Your parents stepped out of your room, looked at everything and shut your door. They shut it just one last time. Your school is a disaster. You thought that only your three best friends cared, although that was only half the time to you. You really thought no one noticed you, but you were one of the “popular” girls. Remember that girl who was looking at you, she cuts herself all the time now, because she wishes she told you how pretty you looked that day instead of saying nothing. That boy who tripped you in the west hallway and didn’t look back or apologize, he is now in suicidal therapy most of the week, in a hospital. He feels like if he did anything differently you would still be here to this day. That male teacher quit his job because he didn’t think he was doing his job properly anymore. You are officially gone. You are officially dead.
9 years have passed. Your little brother is now 19. He made it through high school, he wishes you were around so that he could tell you. He wanted his first alcoholic drink to be with you; no one else. He hasn’t even had his first alcoholic drink yet. Your little sister is 18, and she’s in her victory lap in high school. SHe has made a group in her school dedicated to you. True Feelings is what she calls it. The club is for teenagers to speak up, without anyone to judge them about their feelings and thoughts. They can say anything, even if it isn’t suicidal just to help someone else’s day out. If anyone was suicidal,they now will always have someone to go to about their thoughts. This was you issue, you liked to have everything bottled up inside you. You never wanted to talk to anyone, hell you didn’t even try because you were scared that someone would make fun of you for your choices, thoughts and feelings. You keep everything in the inside and that was what desotyed you. You acted the complete opposite of who you actually were. You acted like you were the happiest teenager on planet earth, you acted like you had the most perfect life. You played your fake character so well, you practically started to believe it. You would be very happy throughout the day, you even smiled all the time around your friends, but once you layed in bed at night, head in your pillow… all the deep thoughts ran through your mind over and over again. Any teeny tiny fight with anyone could have set you off. Everything that you kept bottled up inside you for 16 years, that was what destroyed you and pushed you off the edge. Literally. You are gone. You are dead. There is no coming back. Your locker will never be opened by you, or any of your friends again, you rroom won’t be occupied by any of your friends ever again. Your mother cried every night wondering what she could have changed to prevent this. Your father will never be as strong as he once was. Your little brother will never be able to have any girlfriends approved by you, never get to ask your advice on how to get a girl, and moving you to the right direction. Your sister will never be able to ask for advice, or have you guide her through life. You won’t be around for prom, or their weddings and you to make fun of them. You won't be there to hype them up when they most need it. Your best friends come by the house when they have time off. They are still torn and wish that you;d be their by their side when they get married, to ask you for advice on what to do, or to have the best shoulder to cry on. Your sisters club in school is now officially decide to you, so that other teens with suicidal thoughts will not make the same mistake as you did. Your life was the best gift you could ever receive, and you took it away like it was nothing. All you needed was a smile, a hug or even an are you okay. That was all what you needed. Since now that you are officially gone, just know that many people cared deeply about you. People you know and talk to have always cared. You were just in your own little world too much to realize that. You were so fascinated in the thought that no one cared, when in real life, more people care about you then you would ever begin to imagine. Your small little town will never be the same. A sweet young girl is gone. A girl who thought no one ever cared, Everyone did care about you. They do care, and they always have. We loved you, no matter what, no matter the circumstance, and we will still always love you to pieces.
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