“When Christophe's dance bewitches me, I’m aware I might get burned near the American man. I’m captivated by Christophe's dance. Stunned, I follow his every movement and catch myself drooling. "Intoxicated": it's the name of the song with explicit lyrics, and, indeed, my mind suddenly feels foggy because of this lascivious dance. I come back to my senses when Yuri comments: ‘I guess today's sex appeal award goes to Chris.’ ‘The ice looks soaking wet,’ I answer, trying to maintain a poker face. The next day is no different; his program left me in awe. But I had to shake it off because I was right after him. When he came up to the rink’s exit, I congratulated him on a job well done. My fresh and lively exotic moves stole the spotlight and first place. I was guaranteed a spot at the Grand Prix Finals. After the short program, I placed fifth. I didn’t delude myself about my chances against my amazing competitors, however I had already made two dreams come true: skating to my favorite song in front of a large audience and giving Thailand a name in the history of the Grand Prix. Still, I intended to give my all for the second program the next day.
The banquet was so boring. But I was lucky because Chris came up to me and said we should go somewhere else because he thought the banquet was boring too so we snuck out and went back to the hotel to change. I was waiting at the elevator for Chris when it rang, doors opening to let Chris out. I froze when I discovered him. It was my first time seeing him wearing his glasses and, when I thought it was impossible, he was even more sexy than usual. Especially with his tight shirt and jeans. We visited several nightclubs and the blood alcohol level increased over the night. Sometime that night, we were sitting in a booth at one of the nightclubs, sipping our drinks and trying to catch our breaths. At some point in the night, I kissed him. After a bit though, he pushed me away and said ‘Next time maybe, if you're sober.’
As expected, I perfectly remembered the drunken night with Chris. Alcohol rarely affects my memory. ‘Next time,’ I brooded, half frustrated, half grateful he didn't try to take advantage of the situation. Except next time won't come, at best, until Worlds late March. Given my recent results, I was sure to represent Thailand there. As for Chris, he aced American nationals and most probably will be there too. Since Barcelona, we didn't even exchange a message and I didn’t know what he remembered from our last talk.
For the second day of contest at Worlds, I was delighted to be part of the twenty-four qualified skaters: even though I didn’t think I could be on the podium, it's already progress compared to last time. My goal this time is to be among the top ten in order for Thailand to be allowed two athletes next year. The competition is rough, but, after all, I was in the top six of the Grand Prix, everything is possible. Since I arrived in Detroit, I didn't try to see Christophe. I wanted to stay focused and was sure that meeting him was not the best way for that. But afterwards, I intended to confront him: his only sign of life the past months was a group invitation email to hang out at his place the day after the competition. I got eighth, which means I fulfilled my sport target.
I went to Chris’s place with some of my other figure skating friends, but when Chris opened the door, I made sure to stay at the back of the group. When everyone else went inside, I greeted and hugged him, whispering to him that I didn’t forget that one night and he responded by saying he didn’t forget either. He brought us inside and introduced me and some other friends to his good friend Bastien. Bastien was a brown-haired man and little older than Christophe. He was a former ice dancer, choreographed Chris’s programs, and often went with him to competitions. I stuck to a very reasonable level of drinking, not that the mood is really into alcohol anyway. I happily joined the conversations, flashed my unavoidable selfies and, showed the same behavior as usual. However, nothing escaped my observation skills, especially not the closeness between Chris and Bastien. It lead me to wonder about the nature of their relationship: was that the reason for Christophe's silence after Barcelona? The thought bothered me, so I tried my best to stay involved in other conversations. Eventually, the party ended with me, Yuuri, Victor, and Yuri planning a vacation for us to take in Thailand. After all, they had never been and I’ve been dying to show Yuuri around. Plus, Yuuri thought Victor needed to take a vacation and well, Yuri just really wanted to see some tigers. I extended the offer to everyone else, but they couldn’t go. Nevertheless, I was happy. When we were leaving for the night, I made sure to come up with an excuse to stay. I told them I ‘forgot my phone’ and said I’d take the next taxi. When going back inside, I froze in front of the hugging figures of Chris and Bastien. Surprised, both men stare at me. I told them I forgot my phone and Bastien said his goodbyes before slipping away. He invited me in and led me to the living room where my phone was. But just before I can grab it, Chris grabbed it and raised his arm to keep the object above his head and out of my reach. Amused, he asked why I didn’t think of a better excuse. I asked if it was better if I told everyone I was gonna spend the night in his bed. Chris finally gave my phone back, saying he tries to avoid affairs with other skaters because it can become complicated to handle. The unexpected information destabilized me for a moment, but I told him I wasn’t a complicated guy. He paused before saying he wasn’t looking for a stable relationship, just some fun. He also said he didn’t want it to be known, for my own good. I couldn’t tell if I was annoyed or disappointed but either way, I settled for the terms Chris imposed.
For the fifth time in ten minutes, I sigh and get annoyed with my own reaction. I probably looked like a teen girl daydreaming about her Prince Charming. Except Christophe is no Prince Charming. He was all fatal seducer. Which doesn't take any of his other qualities away, funny and cultured, it is hard not to enjoy his company. I was in love. I could slap myself for my foolishness. Of all the people, it had to be Chris, who only seeks one-night stands. I glance at the poster of Chris on my wall and suppress a new sigh, brooding. Luckily, it is almost time to go pick up Yuri, Victor and Yurio at the airport. In our plans: one week in Bangkok, one in the golden triangle in the north of the country and the last one lounging on the beaches of Koh Samui. A welcomed distraction before going back to preparing next season. I already had a few ideas for my next choreographies. First, a program colored with even more Thai dances, maybe getting inspiration in traditional outfits for my costume. I will resume dance lessons even before Celestino's return to Bangkok. For the second program, I was torn… I had a lot of emotions running through me at the time. As a reflex, I scroll through Instagram. I suddenly freeze. Chris has posted on his account a picture with Bastien, arm in arm, in front of the Coliseum in Roma. Jealousy got the better of me and in a rage, I switched my phone off, got up from my chair, making it fall over, ran down the stairs, grabbed the keys of the family car and left in a flash to pick everyone up. Luckily, our vacation of temple visits, club parties, swimming with elephants in a sanctuary, a safari, and lounging on the beaches of Ko Samui was enough to distract me.
But I was surprised when he suddenly video called me one day. I asked if everything was okay and he hesitated before asking if I saw the Grand Prix assignments. I told him yes and that I’d have tough competitors, but I knew that we didn’t have the same assignments. I asked him if I would get that private pole dancing show if I made it to the finale. He laughed and suggested that he dance with me instead. I laughed but then my brother knocked on my door asking for something, so I told Chris I’d be right back. Except when I got back, he said he had to go, so we said our brief and awkward goodbyes.
I wanted to prove my worth to Chris, so I poured myself into training, more than ever to reach the finale. It paid off because I made it to the finals. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at Chris on the ice. As always, his sensuality is captivating. Sickened by my own weakness, I turn and walk away so that I can go focus on my routine. I chose an outfit much more somber than usual: black with a contrast of silver pearls, which form water drops – or tears. Far from the cheerful music I accustomed the audience to, a soft and melancholic tune rises from a violin. I had two quads in my routine. Between the perfect artistic execution and the raised technical level, I achieved third. For the first time in the History of the Grand Prix, a Thai man obtains a medal in the finale. In front of him, barely two points from each other, Victor wins silver and Yuri gold. For me, it is like a dream, or even better. Being in such good company, among the three best, causes at the same time emotive tears and joyful laughing. Moreover, Chris can't overlook me anymore. Beaten on his own turf, Christophe won't have any choice than to pay me at least a little attention now.
The next day, Victor and Yuuri invited Chris and I to lunch. I tried my best to avoid contact with him, even though he sat right next to me. Chris was smart not to talk to me. Luckily, the other two didn’t seem to notice the tension between us, which was great because they invited us to lunch to ask us to be their best men at their wedding, to which the tension between us was replaced with excitement and happiness. Of course, we both agreed to do it and the rest of lunch went off without a hitch. That is, until the other two had to get to the airport to catch their flights, leaving Chris and I alone. Chris said we’d have to start talking to each other again if we wanted to throw a party worthy of them. I told him that was true, but he’d have to avoid hanging up on me, to which Chris finally realized what the problem was. He said I could make the first move but I told him I didn’t want to seem clingy. He asked if I wanted something more between us. I told him it didn’t matter what I wanted, but I wasn’t at his beck and call and if he wanted to get laid, he’d have to find someone else, like Bastien for example. Next thing I know, Chris grabs me by the shoulders, forcing me to face him, and he tells me that Bastien is just a friend who’s never been attracted to men and that he was going to be the godfather to his daughter who will be born in two months. He released me as suddenly as he grabbed him, gets up and leaves the place with furious long strides.
I brood over the events in Fukuoka. A world record of a jerk, no points deduction. Ashamed, I planned to apologize, as soon as I found the courage. After the opening ceremony for the Olympic Games, I approached Chris, wanting to talk in private. He also wanted to talk, so we went back to his hotel room. The bedroom door barely closed, I started apologizing profusely but Christophe wrapped his arms around me and put his forehead against the top of my head. The gesture had something gentle and intimate to it that affected me… and gave me hope. After a few minutes, Chris released his hold. He apologized, saying the last two months were tough. I told him it was fine and that I should be the one to apologize, and he forgave me. Without a word, I take Christophe's hand and lead him to the couch. He said he had something important to tell me. I turned to face him and he paused before saying he was retiring after this season. A complete silence welcomes his statement, while I tried to process it. After a moment, I finally asked why and he said it felt like it was time. I was shocked because I didn’t hear any rumor and he told me I was the first to know. I asked him why I was the first and he said he wanted to let me know first in case it changed anything for me. I thought that was the dumbest reason I've ever heard! I told him I didn’t care about his prestige as a skater and that I loved him just the way he was. Christophe stares at me, gaping and eyes wide. Before he could answer, I turned my back to him and walked furiously to the door. But just before leaving, I told him he didn’t have to answer me right away because we're here for two weeks.
I kept to my normal behavior, but I couldn’t help pulling Chris aside after a public training session. I lead him to an empty changing room, closed the door, and turned to him. He asked if I suddenly wanted him, to which I laughed and but said no. I couldn’t forget his birthday so I gave him a cupcake that said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. As he remained speechless, I apologized that I didn’t get anything better and that I’d make up for it next year, but he smiled and said it was perfect. Then I kissed his cheek and left smiling, not looking back to see his expression. Since I got everything off my chest, far from being uneasy, I felt lighter. Not having to pretend to be a mere friend – with or without benefits – I was free to behave honestly, with all my usual energy. I intended to leave Christophe the length of the games to reflect, but I couldn't miss his birthday. It was a chance to hint on how serious I was too. I did pretty well during the games, but not to the extent that I reach the podium. Nor does Chris, who was far from his peak form. I feel slightly guilty – but really just a bit – wondering if I was to blame for it. But after all, Chris behaved like a jerk so he brought it upon himself. As the closing ceremony is about to start, I put the jacket of my suit on, open my bedroom door and come face to face with Christophe. He asked for a moment of my time, to which I agreed to. I sat down on the couch, while Christophe kept standing. He apologized for his wording when he told me he was retiring. He confirmed with me that I wasn’t trying to seduce him for personal gain, to which I obviously confirmed. But then he told me he sucked at serious relationships, because they weren’t easy and had a lot of emotional risk. But more than that, he said he was terrified. These last words break my heart. I guess there is a reason behind them, but for now I won't try to find it out. Without a word, I gets up, comes close to Christophe and takes his hands in his own. I told him I was far from being perfect, but that I didn’t intend to hurt him. I just wanted to be closer to him. I wanted more Chris. I asked if he would let me come near little by little at his own pace. As an answer, Christophe leaned and put his forehead to mine, murmuring yes. ‘If someone can bring down my defenses, it's you,’ he said. That night, we didn’t go to the closing ceremonies, if you know what I mean.
I came back home barely three days ago and Christophe and I have already called each other twice, exchange texts each morning and evening – the American and the Thai one's – and we’ll meet at Worlds in a month in San Francisco. We don't have any projects after the season and I didn’t dare suggest any yet. For now, I was doing my best to restrain my enthusiasm in order to not frighten him, but if it was up to me, I would move to Detroit on the spot. Of course, this kind of impulsive decision would bring its share of problems – besides the way Chris would welcome me. For starters, I didn’t really want to ask Celestino to change rink. And I don’t consider leaving Celestino, who is like a second father. As for Christophe… Well, I didn’t know what his short and long-term plans are altogether. The simplest obstacle in all this would finally be my hamsters and Chris' cat cohabitation.
In the lobby of the hotel where the athletes stay during the world championships, there are many known faces around. I was talking with Minami Kenjiro, Yuuri’s successor. He was asking me if Yuuri has mentioned any plans for retirement when Chris intervened by saying it was up to Yuuri It took all of my energy to not pounce on him. Christophe smiles tenderly to me, then pulls himself together before giving our relationship away in front of half of our competitors. We chatted for a bit before Yuri came up to us. Chris, Yuri, and I then said our goodbyes to Minami and went to go have dinner. Nearing the end of dinner, Chris said he was exhausted and said he was gonna go back to his room. He bends over to take his jacket and whispers in my ear: ‘Room 412. Don't hang around too long.’
When I open my eyes, it is the middle of the night and Christophe sleeps soundly. I leave a kiss on his cheek, not causing any reaction, and get up. I scribble a message on the hotel notebook and go back to my room reluctantly: one of Chris' condition on their first night was to keep their relationship secret and there is no sign he changed his mind. Going out of the same bedroom in the early morning in a hotel full of athletes and sport reporters wasn't the most discreet move. In the morning, I had just gotten off the elevator over and found Chris… and Bastien. We greeted each other, but despite Bastien's warm smile, I shook his hand stiffly: even if Chris told me several times that they are just friends, I can't completely suppress some remnant jealousy. Maybe also because Bastien is lucky enough to be around my lover on a daily basis, unlike me. But then Bastien left us alone, saying he didn’t want to be the third wheel. Not leaving us any time to reply, he slips away. I apologized for coming to get him, instead of just waiting downstairs and that now Bastien has figured us out. To my surprise, Chris shrugs, saying it was no big deal and that Bastien was already suspicious. He continued to ask me if I remembered that out of nowhere call from last summer and that Bastien was the one who dialed my number and forced him to talk to me. I stares at him, agaped, eyes round, while I try to process the information. Bastien's likability ratings have just soared.
Before we go on for our free programs, I pull Chris into another empty changing room. I encircle his waist and snuggle up against him, to which he responded by doing the same. He asked if I had another cupcake for him, but I told him no, saying I just wanted to cuddle, recharging my batteries before the free program. We stay like this for several minutes in silence. The announcer's voice reaches us muffled, the crowd's cheers and applause seem like they come from another world. After a while, Christophe said today was his last dance with the ice in competition, and that even though it was his own decision, it's not an easy one. All I could do was say ‘I know,’ and give him a kiss. I told him it was his last dance so he had to blow them away, so that no one can ever forget him. That night, we both performed for each other.
"Okay! Best men and happy couple selfie!" After taking many selfies and chatting happily with everyone at dinner, Chris gets up and says he has a declaration to make. He runs a hand through his hair, seeming very nervous. He kinda started announcing it, not really sure what to say, until he stops, stares at me, then walks to me, determined. I didn’t have the time to understand what was going to happen until Christophe's mouth gained possession of my own, while hugging me tight. The kiss lingers on and I hit Chris' shoulder to end it, saying he could’ve at least warned me, but he said that wouldn’t have been as fun. Aside from Yurio saying he was surrounded by stupid lovers, everyone else was either excited or still in shock. Christophe goes behind me, wraps his arms around me and puts his chin on my head. As we stand like that. Victor shoots a photo.
After a few days in Barcelona, Christophe asked me what my plans were. I was supposed to take a break until the beginning of May, then go back to training before Celestino even came back mid-May. Chris said I could use the rink in Lausanne, and even discuss choreography with Bastien." This indirect request was Christophe's first, thus I didn't hesitate for a second. Especially as I wasn’t looking forward to the prospect of putting nine thousand kilometers between us. Chris kept his promise and made sure I could access the ice rink anytime, joining him, even giving advice here and there. This stay is also the opportunity to get closer to Bastien and meet his wife Laetitia, who is his former ice dancing partner. We were having dinner with them one night and the atmosphere was friendly, me now being more at ease around Bastien. The latter is touchingly caring of his wife, helping her while her arm is taken to breastfeed her daughter. He is so obviously in love with her that I realize how much my former jealousy was ridiculous. Chris pulled me out of my thoughts saying he didn’t want to completely stop skating, that him and Bastien were thinking of setting up ice shows. I told him I thought it was a great idea because I was thinking of doing the same thing. I've been dreaming for years of setting one up to democratize figure skating in Thailand! Something fun, colorful, with all our friends and hamsters! I kept going on and on until Chris stopped me, clearly amused, asking about planning something together for a certain wedding. Especially until my athlete career allows me to carry out such a crazy project. So at that, I had to put it aside, but Chris was on board for it.
April 30th. I woke up to Chris and his cat. He told me Happy Birthday and that he brought me breakfast. To be honest, I had lost track of the days. Being able to spend my birthday with him was the best gift in the world. I ate my breakfast in bed and scrolled through all the thoughtful birthday wishes when Chris told me to keep my evening free. Of course I wasn’t going to say no. The program planned by Chris begins with a dinner near the Lake Léman. The view on the mountains at sunset is breathtaking, the light reflecting on the summits and the water surface. It's a world so different from Thailand that I was suddenly reminded of the reality despite the magic of the moment: in a few days I was going back to Bangkok. Chris however doesn't leave me the time to dwell upon it. Their chatting is cosy, intimate, with no thoughts about the future, close or far. Once the meal finished, Christophe takes me to a milonga. The Latin music echoes around the couples on the dimly-lighted dancing floor. The mood is very different from a night-club, much more sensual. Here, the seduction is made through gestures, body connection, swirling skirts. I told him I couldn’t dance tango, but he just said he’ll lead. Christophe placed me in his arms, putting a hand in on back. Christophe begins to move. His hips show the steps to me, even more than his legs, and his chest guides me as much as his arms. I give in to his firm but gentle lead, trusting, mesmerized by the way the muscles change under his fingers, against me.
Like each time I receive visits, my mother insisted on accommodating Chris. I told him that if he went to a hotel, I’d never hear the end of it because hospitality is not something Thai people take lightly, especially my mother! And that is how Christophe is about to meet my family. I told my family that Chris is my sweetheart and that my mother prepared the guest room for us since I only have a single bed in mine. My family welcomes Christophe with a lot of kindness. Shall we start?" At this question, Christophe goes suddenly serious. He asked if he was the best person for this because Bastien was much more experienced. I told him there was no better person to choreograph a tango program for me and break my innocent image. He smiles and we become determined.
I compete first. Right now, there is only one person I want to see. Chris is in an animated talk with Victor and Celestino. It is strange to see Christophe in a suit at an official competition, almost matching his best friend, like their old tracksuits did. I pull on his sleeve to get his attention, because I needed to recharge. After telling our friends and family about our relationship, we haven’t cared about openly showing our relationship out in public. My coach and my choreographer by my side, I walk to the ice. I take off my jacket with my country name and glide on the rink, cheered by the crowd, that I wave to with enthusiasm. Upon completion of the first event, I’m fifth: not what I hoped for, but not impossible to catch up. Chris said we should’ve asked Bastien because then I could’ve gotten a better program with a better score. But I told him it had nothing to do with the quality of the choreography. I messed up on a jump and I still need to master the artistic components. He tried to counter that but I told him I loved what we created together because it is us. That was the point, showing who I really am and how he reveals me. The medal isn't lost and even if I don't win, that's not what's most important to me.
With me in Seoul for the Four Continents championships and Christophe back home, communication is even more complicated than usual. We have grown accustomed to Skype calls at strange hours and reunions in hotel rooms during competitions and airport farewells. Each time we meet it's perfect, but too short. I want more. We never discussed the future. Except for our professional plans or our best friends’ wedding.
When I arrived in Italy for the next competition, Chris had picked me up from the airport. On our way to the hotel, I had delayed the moment to discuss our future with Chris to our next meeting. Now that he is by my side, I was terrified by the idea of raising the issue and I hid behind meaningless small talk.
The bachelor party was amazing. First, we saw ‘Swan Lake’ at the Scala in Milan. We are in one of the boxes. A huge chandelier hangs from the high ceiling and, opposite them, the red curtain hides the stage.
Chris is always seductive, but with his tuxedo and glasses, he is breathtaking. He told me I looked gorgeous and I was so happy. I complimented him too, which grossed out Yurio, but we were happy nonetheless.
After the bachelor party, Chris and I flew back to Chris’s place. The next morning, Chris said he needed to talk to me. Christophe's serious tone adds a new layer to the anxiety I had been building up for several days. He told me he’d been seriously thinking these last few days and that we can't go on like that, meeting in a hurry in hotels, calling at strange hours, and spending weeks apart. So he suggested that I move to America to live with him. I couldn’t say yes fast enough. This time I was crying tears of joy. Everything would simply fall into place when we started living together, right?
“Between my anxiety and crazy schedule, I was struggling to adjust to life in Detroit. The weather and people were overwhelming for me. Chris tried his hardest to help, but between training and choreographing, there just wasn’t enough time. More often than not, we spent days at a time hardly speaking outside of skating. What was supposed to be a successful pre-season quickly fell apart, and I spiraled into an anxious tailspin. So when I woke up one morning feeling miserable, I assumed it was just another cold and tried to push through it; refusing to drag Chris down with me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Even after living with Chris for three months, I still found myself dazed by Detroit. Compared to Bangkok, Detroit was freezing. It wasn't even winter and yet the cold was swift and biting, something I was woefully unprepared for. I learned English in school but it would be nothing more than my second language and Detroit was diverse but there weren’t many Thai people around and I often felt lost and isolated. I always felt guilty when I thought about my time management problems, since Chris had it even worse. Pulling double duty being both choreographer and competitor kept him on a tight schedule, and I wasn’t even sure when he had time to eat. In the morning, we would jog to the rink, which was close to our apartment, as a warm up. From there, I would change into my skates and practice gear, while Chris choreographed from the sidelines. After lunch, Chris would train with (coach), while I was left to my own devices. At some point in this routine, Yurio joined me. Since (coach) wanted to devote as much time to Chris as possible, Yurio had to come in earlier in the morning to train with him, which left his afternoon free. At first, Yurio and I would take turns skating on our side of the rink, but eventually, we began to skate together, giving each other tips and advice. I wasn’t sure how it happened, exactly, but I was grateful for it. It was more helpful than skating alone, and I found himself enjoying my time with Yurio. So I tried not to complain, but it was difficult when I was exhausted from a long day of practice. I would find myself looking forward to going home with Chris. Thinking back on it, I could hardly believe the situation I was in. If I could go back ten years, five years, hell, even one year, and tell my younger self that I would be training with, living with, sleeping with… Christophe Giacometti, I would have never believed it. It was a thought that made me feel a strange mix of awe and anxiety. How was I supposed to concentrate on whatever we were watching on TV when Chris’s arm was so casually slung around me? How was I supposed to sleep, pressed up against Chris’s chest, so painfully aware of his presence that my heart wouldn't stop hammering? How was I supposed to deal with the fact that I was in a relationship with Christophe Giacometti? It made my chest tighten and my breath all but stop.
How was I supposed to be good enough to be worthy of him? I tried not to think about those things, figuring that, with time, it would become easier, more routine. But even after three months of living with Chris, I found himself as self conscious as ever. I was happy, of course–so, heartbreakingly happy. But another part of me, the part that whispered in my mind late at night, asked me, ‘how long will it be before Chris gets tired of you? How long will it be before he gets tired of your anxieties, inadequacies; your soul-crushing weakness? I tried not to dwell on those things. It didn't help that we hardly saw each other outside of practice. As we got deeper into the skating season, we thought it would be best to keep our skating time together strictly professional. It was honestly a bit of a shock for me, at first. I was so used to Flirty Chris that I was unprepared for All Business Chris when we moved to the United States. And with Chris’s incredibly demanding schedule, there were days where we would only see each other in our apartment in the morning, and then for about an hour in the evening, but we were both so exhausted from practice that we would barely share a few words with each other. I tried not to let it make me sad. But a part of me still asked: “What if he's tired of seeing you?” Our days were routine, which, on one hand, was nice. But the distance between us, especially after being together so often in the past year, was beginning to make me anxious. Some rational part of me knew that Chris wasn't intentionally being distant; after all, he still kissed me goodnight and hugged me in the morning, but being the nervous wreck I was, I couldn't help but wonder. I knew I should’ve voiced my feelings. I knew if I told Victor how I felt, I would’ve felt better. On the other hand, if I brought it into the open, maybe Chris would finally acknowledge that I was right and leave me. So I kept it to myself. Chris had enough going on as it was; he didn't need the extra weight of my problems. Those thoughts weighed me down, making me feel heavy and sluggish. That day was a day like any other: we jogged to the rink, and I was warming up on the ice. Victor, eager to have me win gold that year, insisted that I practice my quads more often. I wasn't in the mood, my thoughts like lead weights in my mind; but I agreed, knowing that perfecting my quads was desperately needed. He told me to start off slow so that he could see my form. I nodded, skating laps around the ice, being careful to avoid Yurio and Yakov on the other side. I launched into my first jump, a triple axel, coming down hard on my leg, not liking how shaky the landing was. I could hear Chris's sigh, even over the scrape of my blades. He yelled at me to focus and I winced, knowing I had been having more and more problems lately, my performance seeming to drop with each practice. I knew I was letting Chris down, that I was wasting his time, and so I was determined to improve. But the dark thoughts were like storm clouds in my head, obscuring my vision and making it hard to think through. I knew that Victor wanted me to warm up first. Maybe not do any quads at all today, if my shaky landing didn't improve. It wouldn't be the first time. Clenching my fists, I decided to just go for it. What's the worst that could happen? I started again, picking up more speed. I heard Chris say my name and then yell for me to wait, but I was already in the air, launching myself into a quad Salchow. As soon as I left the ice, I knew it wasn't right. My balance was off, my jump was all wrong, and the landing… I fell hard, barely breaking my fall, and I felt a sharp sting across my thigh. I cried out in surprise rather than pain, flipping myself over so so was sitting up on the ice. The fabric covering my left thigh was torn, with a jagged cut across my skin. I must have landed in just the wrong way, and the blade of my recently sharpened skate had cut me.