“If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet
The car pulled up into the driveway, the gates were open, obviously, they were being expected. With a peck to his cheek, she tells him it’s going to be fine and he should just be himself. Zama and Chad alight and walked towards the front door, loud voices were heard coming from inside the house as most of Zama’s family were already gathered and seemed to be having a swell time. Chad takes deep breaths as Zama proceeds to open the door. They walk in and the noise notches up a bit as Zama enters to warm hugs, general excitement and a big show of family love. Chad slowly makes his entrance and it gradually quietens. Zama was moving from embrace to embrace of family members, deflecting and quickly evading questions about Chad like a shadow boxer, until there was the Elder, a few words were exchanged between Zama and an elderly man, and then he asks her the question, everyone in the room is wide-eyed with anticipation, Chad doesn’t understand the language he has no idea what’s going on, seconds later she replies and all hell breaks loose.
(Dialogue in Pedi language)
ELDER: Haikona, You didn’t tell us that he was a white boy
ZAMA: You wouldn’t let me date him if I had told you
ELDER: You can’t date this white boy; I didn’t spend all that money on your education so you could marry a white boy,
ZAMA: But I love him
ELDER: Hai hai hai,
ZAMA: Please, I love him
(Conversation continues)
Outrage ensues as more family members join the conversation and are in open dissent. Chad did not need google translate to understand the words or to know that he was the main cause of what was being discussed, as there is tension in the air, slowly he walks towards the door, pauses then looks back at Zama and sees her crying, tears well up in his eyes and he slowly steps out of the house. His silhouette fading into the night.
The continuation of this story is as good a guess for you as it is for me. This introduction briefly encapsulates an issue that has existed throughout time, differences. From time im-memorial races and cultures have been at odds with their differences in almost all things. E.g. Christians vs Muslims, but these differences are especially heightened when it comes to marriages or dating, as there is a general resentment toward the individual or parties that are considered different. In a word, it’s mutual.
So why is it always an issue to date someone considered different? We focus on this, starting with the question, what does dating someone mean?
According to one of the numerous definitions I choose to focus on: “Dating” means you’re going on dates. You are actively getting out there and meeting people and spending time with them. “Dating someone” means you’re seeing somebody specific, with purpose and on a regular basis. … You’re spending time with a person (or persons) in hopes of finding a committed relationship.
Specific and with purpose literary stand out as the keywords here, and the main reason why we date a person in the first place, we see something we identify with and can relate to in that person, we channel into those specific traits we admire in our partner and hope it complements and transcends to our own personality to give a sense of direction that works out more as a strength generally for the relationship. With compliments come purpose.
Make no mistake, dating is not as easy as it looks or as is glorified on media streams and by celebs, even by your friends. The truth is that it’s really hard work to pull off, it’s like an infinite series of tests you keep writing, and the moment you finish one test you keep finding another one waiting for you, and if you can muster the strength to write enough of these tests then maybe, just maybe you can have the semblance of a happy ending till another test comes your way.
So how do we find our specific and with a purpose partner ( a really weird way to describe someone you want to be with)? Let’s explore a few ways ;
Luck!!! like a chance meeting at the mall, run into her at the restaurant, meet at an event and immediately connect, or at the airport both of you almost missing your flight and bump into each other last-minute at the check-in counter, gazing into each other’s eyes because you now have the same shared life experience…….. Yawn, I know hey, as I’m gently telling myself and you too to wake up as this usually happens in our fantasies or in movies, it’s quite difficult in real life, difficult but not impossible. This is the just-right scenario where everything just seems to magically fall in place, strangely this scenario plays out more often than usual and on average over half of the relationships an individual has had in the course of their lifetime.
Strategic positioning is another way, i.e if you like smarts, go hang out in a library he’s there, if you like Mr buff run straight to the gym after work, you’ll find him, and if you like miss wild and fun, just hit the clubs and enjoy the nightlife you’ll definitely find your type. The point here is, points of interest can also attract and expose us to our specific and with purpose partner(hmm those words again), the church is the most commonly used point of interest, though it has had varying degrees of success. “Like meets like”, “where and at what like likes to go or to do”. It’s simple people ‘birds of a feather flock together” if you want to meet you; go to where you would be to meet you.
My favourite though is the old fashioned way, a.k.a. straight up hounding and stalking… You laugh I see but this model has been proven to be the most effective and with the highest success rate. For me, it simply says “I’m here, in your face every day” and “Whataya going to do about me” cos “I ain’t going nowhere so gimme the answer I want.” That’s gangster neh?.
It’s a, you gotta shoot me before I go (I’ll die for you anyway) kinda move. it’s Bold, persistent, very irritating but if done right, it’s kinda romantic and has proven to work more often than not.
The point here is that in whatever way you meet your partner a journey is embarked upon and a story begins to develop as you now have more insights into that person’s character to make decisions. And as you move through the stages of novelty, substance, reality and many more, issues that would be determining what direction your relations heads towards would be better addressed by getting to know and understanding more about you and your partner and what you both want from each other.
So here you are, finally, you meet someone good looking, smart, intelligent, witty, fantastic with the bedroom business (hmmm … sounds delicious), has all the qualities you dreamed of in a partner, even all your friends like that person, and now all your friends want that person. For you, life’s a breeze on cloud nine and nothing could go wrong, and that’s the good part, but here’s the curveball, he’s different …… How different?