Essay: My goal is Amor Fati but I cannot reach it (personal essay)

Since the dawning of homo-sapiens existence, man was born with the perfect imbalance of certain default emotions, Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Self-Preservation, all necessary for survival in this rigged game called life. Emotions that make us human, set us apart from the primitive “lesser” creatures. It’s often said our body is our temple, our personal sanctuary, our mind and soul need to be kept in order to keep us sane. Philosophy, the product of the most simplistic human thought. Curiosity, the need to know, is there more? There must be more out there, that deep existential crap Plato and Socrates and Nietzsche and Boethius, they all scream at the same time in my head. Where as in the modern age Russell brand, J-Cole. Pick your lyrical poison.
However, this isn’t the case for me true happiness is a realm out of my reach, it has been taken prisoner by lady philosophy, to avoid insanity I have learned a few things, in the words of Boethius happiness cannot consist in things governed by chance. But I cannot accept it. We have little to no control over our lives. if I cannot control my fate, I will simply break the wheel. Melancholy is my favourite drink, and I drink it as if it was bleach, I’m stuck in an indestructible time loop of suffering, nonetheless my suffering is not limited to me, but to the human race. Without sadness and grief, the human race would surely perish, I’ve grown to accept that. My goal is Amor Fati but I cannot reach it. My mind plagued with horrendous thoughts I cannot control, thoughts of self-doubt, anxiety, self-hatred, loneliness, every other day I think of taking my own life, after all what’s left for me on this planet, I would rather let my thoughts eat me alive than feel pity from others. I raised myself to be like this, to seek acceptance from others, not to be an inconvenience. I’m painfully aware of the fact mental health is taboo so I do not speak of it. “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can I not be normal?” “Does anyone else feel as much pain as I do?” I’ve given up on asking myself these questions, they do not have an answer. it’s harder to see the light when I’m so far down my personal pit of despair. Though I do not see myself as a pessimistic person but rather a believer in existential nihilism, with the ever-growing population on earth I’m conscious of the fact my life has no meaning or significance. Envy, I envy children, so virtuous and guilt-free, so unaware of how much they are going to suffer. How cruel the world truly is. How vile your own race is. Our biggest enemy being ourselves, our small differences causing such inhumane acts; war, genocide, enslavement, colonisation, segregation, xenophobia, murder, rape, extinction of animals. We’re the most barbaric and narcissistic predators to ever walk on land. History repeats itself yet we don’t learn from our mistakes. Can you blame me for not wanting to be part of this race?
I’ve lost my personal identity. Who am I? We change significantly through our lives, keeping the same name and often the same features, our body does not define who we are, if we lost a leg or an arm, we would still be us, as we age our skin loses its elasticity and our hair loses its melanin and digresses to a more decrepit shade of grey. So where does my personal identity lie, perhaps the brain, the most complex organ in our body, many parts incline what we feel and how we act such as the hippocampus and the hypothalamus but our brain can be often influenced by our surroundings and environment….so where does our personal identity lie of not our body or brain. Religion has their personal take on this. In Christianity it’s said after death a part of us descends an unclouded pure element, our soul, does my answer lie here? My memories, my character the infinite definition of who I am, If I lost all my memories would my pain disappear? Would my values still be the same? The disorientation of my mind has made it unattainable for me to be content in my own body.
There are very little people who understand me fully, yet I have not met these people. How can I expect anyone to understand me when I cannot get a grasp of my own mind? its driving me close to insanity, sleep is a luxury and loneliness is inevitable. Its human nature to feel lonely, so why do I feel like I’ve been mistreated. I don’t have the right to be stuck in my depressed state when I have clean water and a roof over my head. I’m filled with the need to succeed, to make a difference but the lack of aspiration as my efforts to be kind hearted are null and void, everyday someone provides me with a new reason to despise my own race. I feel the loneliest in big groups of people, making school my personal hell, I’m sick of repeating those two words “I’m fine” I’ve learned to strip away the masquerade, no one cares. They listen to your problems then brush them off as a plea for attention. They label you as a freak, a weirdo. To escape this self-inflicted state of embarrassment I simply avoid small talk, the most draining of day to day activities. My state of loneliness brings upon feelings of anxiety and sadness, I characterize myself as odd but not others when we’re not much different, this is a result of me knowing myself from the inside and only observing others from what they choose to show. My phycological asymmetry results in shyness and transferred aggression, the root of this being not able to understand if others crave and cry like I do, everyone feels like a stranger, if I let them in, they could not possibly accept or like me in this broken state. The key to unlocking the hidden door of people’s inner thoughts lie in art, music and love. You cannot understand someone verbally, words cannot express the complexity of human nature but the depths of creativity can. Enduring loneliness is almost invariably better than suffering the compromises of forced community, loneliness is the price I pay for holding onto an overly ambitious view on what companionship must and could be. We are destined to be lonely so I accept solitude in an attempt to find one’s self.
Even in my current state I will forever look out for others even in secret, I will learn to accept failure as a stepping stone and not a brick wall, I will learn to love myself flaws an all, I will climb out of my pit no matter how deep it gets, I will regain control of my thoughts and push my enemies depression and self-hatred out , I will learn from my mistakes and not despise myself for it as they do not define me, my journey will be long but prosperous. I will reach Amor Fati.
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