Gender, Sexuality, and the LDS Church
If you grew up, or have lived in Utah for any period of time, the chances are high in that you would have been exposed to the LDS Church. The church headquarters are located in Salt Lake City, and per the 2014 Census, about 63% of Utah identified themselves as LDS church members. (Canham, 2014) My parents and most of my extended family are members of this church, so growing up I too attended the weekly meetings, participated in young adult activities, attended seminary (LDS church classes taught at high schools), prayed with my family, and read scriptures with them. I began questioning the inequalities of the church especially in regards to gender and sexuality, when I reached high school, and stopped attending at age 16. The foundation and focus of this church is family, and loving one another, yet it felt to me as though it was exclusive who was loved because of their actions, how they identified and who they chose to love.
Sexuality refers to a person’s capability of sexual feelings. The LDS church views sexual relationships outside of a temple marriage as a sin. The church teaches that in God’s eyes, a sexual relationship outside of marriage is a serious sin. The prophet Alma, in regards to sex before marriage said that it is “Most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood,” which means that sex before marriage is second to that only of murder. (Alma 39) This is something that I personally remember being taught both in church and seminary classes. Many LDS children and young adults feel massive amounts of guilt for natural thoughts they might have, and a guilt for the choice they made to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage. Talking about sex and sexual relationships is a taboo subject within this religion. Most often discussed is that you should remain abstinent. Humans are innately sexual beings, and the church makes sex seem like something that is wrong, embarrassing, or bad. I read an article about sexual relationships in Mormon marriages, and was fascinated to find out that most couples are clueless and frustrated on their wedding night. The article discusses a lady named Kristen, who married at age 24, and that both her and her husband were raised a part of the LDS faith. “Both grew up in the church and had been terrified about crossing the line before marriage.” Another couple discussed in the article, was about to get divorced after 10 years, because they were uncomfortable talking with one another about sex. They didn’t know what each other was comfortable with and what was allowed by the Church, so they quit having sex all together. (Tanner, 2018) Sex has such a negative connotation in the church, which makes it hard for adults whether they be newlyweds or have been married for a while to feel like it is okay to talk about. Growing up, my parents never discussed sex with me, everything I learned was either from school, the media, or friends. It is important to teach children about their sexuality, even if you encourage they remain abstinent. There is nothing wrong with our sexuality, and children growing up in this church environment should have access to information about sex and sexuality. We should be providing youth and young adults with sex education, an understanding of how their bodies work, and prevention of pregnancies and diseases.
Another inequality in this church is in regards to homosexuality. While the church claims to accept all walks of life, those who identify as gay are often looked down upon, and can’t participate in the church if they choose to indulge in their sexual orientation. A church leader, Elder M. Russell Ballard once said: “Let us be clear: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes that ‘the experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is.” (Ballard, 2014) Though they state that feeling attracted to a person of the same gender isn’t a sin, they expect those who feel these same sex attractions to go through life without acting upon those feelings. Those who identify as gay, can still be a part of the church, but they are to live a life of chastity, control their thoughts about those of the same sex, and if they remain righteous they will still participate in the temple, hold callings in the church, etc. Leaders also encourage parents to continue to love and embrace their child, even though they experience same sex attraction. The LDS church main goal in life is to obtain an eternal family, which is typically done by attending church meetings consistently, going to the temple to do special ordinances, marry in the temple, and having a family. Most of the lessons are centered around eternal families, and beginning at a young age children sing songs about going to the temple to be married, young girls learn about being mothers and how to pick a worthy husband, they are encouraged to pick a returned LDS missionary, and to have children. Since gay people are expected to not act upon their feelings they wouldn’t be able to marry, or have a family of their own, and since most lessons are taught on families, it would be difficult to keep up and feel welcomed at the meetings. In a message at a church conference, Elder Dallin H. Oaks states that, the highest kingdom of eternal life is only available to a man and woman who marry in the temple. (Oaks, 1996) He also goes onto say that those who feel attraction to their same sex, are unable to have an eternal marriage here on earth, and therefore will be given the opportunity after they die to marry someone of their opposite gender. It is unfair to expect that one will go through life without finding a partner to share experiences with, and to have with you through hard times just because of your sexual orientation.
Gender roles in the LDS church are very traditional, in that women typically stay home with the children, and men work to provide for their family. Women are taught at a young age of how to be a good wife, find a husband, and how to be a mother. While men, are expected to go to work, but aren’t really expected to cook, clean, or nurture his children. The LDS prophet Joseph Smith once said that instead of fighting, arguing, or discussing a conflict with your husband to instead meet his gaze with a smile, “if he can meet a smile instead of an argument or a murmur—if he can meet with mildness, it will calm down his soul and soothe his feelings; when the mind is going to despair, it needs a solace of affection and kindness.” (Joseph Smith, 2003) This is teaching women to be submissive, and they than lose their voice in a relationship that should be equal. Another teaching from the same lesson encourages the men of the church to let women be the sole caregivers, as they are the gentler sex and will be able to raise the children in righteousness. The same prophet, Elder Ezra Taft Benson is quoted as saying “A mother’s role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, bear, nourish, love, and train. They are to be helpmates, and are to counsel with their husbands.” (Ezra Taft Benson, 2003) The men of this church tend to view women as caregivers, and I feel like it stops there. Kate Kelly, a former LDS missionary, and excommunicated church member, is the founder of a movement entitled Ordain Women. The goal of her, and the followers are to make the LDS church a place of more equality. These women have been seen trying to get tickets into the all-male Priesthood Conference, end the stigma around women wearing pants to church, get more women in leadership positions, and their biggest goal, is to have women ordained with the priesthood. Kelly was excommunicated from the church, but continues to empower women to challenge the strict gender roles placed upon them. The prophet Benson, in an article about mothers being employed outside of the home says “that it is propaganda, that a women be more suited for work than that of raising children and being a mother.” (Ezra Taft Benson, 2003) This again is seeing women only as a means to having children, many women are not cut out to be mothers, nor should they feel obligated to have a family just because of this church and its traditional gender roles. A lot of women have no desire to have children, they should be able to express their sexuality, and they should still be able to feel loved and accepted for their choices. A man’s role in the marriage is to be the sole provider of the family. The man is the presiding authority of the LDS family, since he is the one providing for the family. This again is reducing the woman’s role in a marriage, even if one chooses to be a stay-at-home parent, they are not the lesser in the relationship.(Eternal Marriage Student Manual, 2003) Harold B. Lee a president in the church, said that men who don’t marry at a young age, are withholding the opportunity for “these lovely women, who are seeking the fulfillment of a woman’s greatest desire to have a husband, a family, and a home.” (Lee, 1974) In order to make the marriage work, the two should be equal and working together regardless of the role they play in the relationship. A cousin of mine suffers from autism, my aunt and uncle had to figure out the best way to provide care for him since he will always need a caregiver. My uncle felt it would be best he stayed home with Brady, since his mother was able to bring in more money, and had better health insurance. In this case, letting her work was a better plan than him working just because of social norms in this religion stating that the father should be the provider.
The LDS church provides its members with a lot of great values, loving one another, families, kindness, service just to name a few. Gender, sex, and sexuality are a couple of topics that I feel like the church needs to rethink the way it is taught and discussed. Homosexuality, sex, and gender are all prominent in the media and culture. Rather than shutting down any ideas, and saying remain abstinent, sex is bad outside of marriage, etc. The church could take the opportunity to teach the youth about its reasonings behind abstinence teaching. Empower the youth, and let them know that human beings are sexual beings. Always saying no, and teaching that sex is bad and immoral creates a stigma around sex. Than when the children grow up and marry they don’t have any idea about how their body works, and how to discuss sex with their partner. Which causes harm in the marriage, sex is not the only important part of a marriage, but it is important to the marriage relationship to bond with your spouse. Young adults need to be taught more about how the body works, and how to have an intimate relationship with their partner once they marry. A lot of opportunities are being missed, where the church could be educating the congregation. The stigma around sexuality could be lessened and eventually end if the lessons stop being uncomfortable. In a church so centered around families, I feel as though gay people should be able to be married, adopt children, etc. and still be allowed to attend the meetings. It is unfair to say that those who identify as gay cannot marry or obtain a family, and it is foolish to expect them to feel welcomed at church meetings, when they are frowned down upon. Our gender shouldn’t determine the path of life we take. Women shouldn’t be expected to always be the stay at home mom, or housewife. Men don’t always have to be the breadwinners in the relationship. A woman has every right to go to work, further her career, and not be seen as a bad mom, just because she wants to have a career. Men can be stay at home parents. The church views women as the sole caretakers of the children, she is to bear them, nourish, strengthen, teach, etc. Many women desire to have a great career more than a family, and being a mom is not the only pathway a woman can take. Gender and sexuality, are important issues that the LDS church needs to educate its members on in a healthier way.