What is grief? Why do we grief? How does grief impact us? Does everyone grieve? “Grief can be termed as a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they loved have received”. The experience of grieving cannot be ordered, hurried or ignored indefinitely. One may postpone their grief however, it can never be denied. A great French philosopher Roland Bathes once said “ Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering” and this measure of grief that surrounds the mourning is unique and unpredictable in each individual. An article entitled “The Stage of Grief Models” by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross articulates the five unique stages of grief, which are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone will experience all of these stages, if all are experienced, they will not necessarily occur in this particular order. I have personally come into contact with grief and I can attest that every individual reacts to these stages in a way that suite their understanding. As a matter of fact, it’s been over two years since I lost an individual who is dear to my heart and yet I’m still stuck at the denial and anger stages because I refuse to accept this reality as I still question it. Discussing the catastrophic events of 9/11, Jonathan Safran Foer’s novel Extremely loud and incredibly close explores grief through the eyes of a nine-year-old boy and many other characters touched by their own loss. The novel touches on what it means to be human, to love, to live and also to grieve. It provides its readers with answers as well as questions about what grief is, how we cope, how it affects a family/person, and how we also view it in a society. Most of the characters in the novel are grieving whether it’s over the loss of a father, sister, broken marriage or loss of words.
The story takes place in Manhattan, New York where Oskar Schell is a nine-year-old boy who loses his father during September 11 attack. Oskar is very intelligent and imaginative individual. Although he has all these great attributes, he has also developed some recent phobias such as agoraphobia (the fear of elevators) due to his father’s death. It is currently post 9/11 and Oskar is still trying to grapple with the fact that his father is dead, that his mother has moved on right after the death and the mysterious key he finds in his father's vase. After coming across the keys, Oskar decides to embark on a quest across the five boroughs of New York hoping to find some closure about his father’s (Thomas Schell) death through the mysterious key.
Grief surrounds an extremely traumatic experience, and in the early stages, is shown in the expression of denial and anger. When the denial stage in the model sets in, the individual is not willing to accept that the loss is real and sometimes it might even feel like it is a bad dream that they need to wake up from. The denial stage is used as a defense mechanism to protect oneself from the pain and suffering of losing a loved one. When Oskar’s father goes missing, Oskar and his mother “made posters that had Thomas Schell’s picture on it… By the afternoon they “took the posters down and filled a rolling suite case with them”(Foer 229, refusing to believe that he was truly dead. Taking the poster down gave Oskar and his mother a sense of hope that Thomas might still be alive. Another evidence of denial in the novel is Oskar’s grandfather who lost his beloved Ana in Dresden bombing. He is constantly “trying to remake the girl he new seven years before”(Foer 83). Although Oskar’s grandfather knew that his beloved Ana is deceased, he still has an ample of hope that she might still come back to him. Melinda smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. made a statement in an article entitled “Coping with Grief and Loss” that, an individual who is grieving “may keep expecting their lost one to show up, even though they know he or she is gone.” It is impossible to continue former daily life whiles living in the denial stage. One of the first feelings that’s follows after the denial stage has passed is Anger
Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger allows one to feel such a passionate emotion after the numbing effect of shock. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, one may feel angry and resentful. The individual might be angry with themselves, God, others and much more. Oskar directs his anger toward his mother. He thinks that she doesn’t honor his father’s memory deeply. He is convinced that “because she laughs every now and then she doesn’t miss Dad”. Oskar directs his anger towards Ron as well. At some point in the novel Ron tries to play with Oskar by grabbing his yo-yo, “I know he just wanted to be friendly, but it made in incredibly angry. Yo-yo moi! I told him, grabbing it back. What I really wanted to tell him was “you’re not my dad, and you never will be” (Foer 3). Expressing his anger toward his mother and Ron is his way of releasing all the built up emotions locked inside him. However, grieving is a personal and highly individual experience and everybody expresses it uniquely.
Once an individual endures the anger stage completely, he or she then progresses to the bargaining stage. The stage where the person wants to remain in the past, trying to negotiate their way out of pain” is how one bargains for their happiness. At one point in the novel Oskar, makes an appalling comment about choosing his mother to die instead of his father. “If I could have chosen, I would have chosen you” (Foer 171). Oskar makes this comment out of anger and frustration. He say’s this to protect as well as bargain himself out of the painful reality. In the novel, Oskar goes on an adventure of finding the mystery lock, trying to make sense of his father’s death and hoping “it will let him stay close to him for a little while longer” (Foer 304). Attempting to recreate the carefree time when Oskar’s father was still alive and would give him puzzles to solve, Oskar makes up his own adventure by embarking on a journey across the five boroughs of New York. Bargaining for one’s happiness often comes to an end and leads into the next stage of grief depression.
Depression is a commonly accepted form of grief. According to an article entitled “An Examination of the Kubler-Ross Model” by Christina Gregory PhD, “Most people associate depression immediately with grief – as it is a “present” emotion. Depression tends to bring intense feeling of emptiness and sadness. As Kubler Ross encourages, “Invite your depression to pull a chair with you in front of the fire and sit with it without trying to escape. Allow the sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss”. Depression stage is very unpredictable because it can often lead to a lot of things. Oskar is constantly talking about wearing “heavy boots”, a metaphor that he uses to describe his depression. This is his way of expressing his feelings because he couldn’t really talk about it. Another way Oskar showed his depression by giving himself bruises. Inflicting physical pain upon himself replaces the emotional heartache he is feeling deep inside. Oscar couldn’t have dealt with his depression but instead he decides to suppress it by embarking on his key quest. In the end he didn’t really get the closure that he wanted but instead waves of disappointment that eventually reveals the depression he’s been hiding underneath. Although the depression stage can be quite devastating, it is very important to the healing process. Lastly, realizing the new reality that our loved one is physically gone leads to the final stage of grieving: acceptance.
Kubler describes the acceptance stage as the stage where an individual has finally “processed their initial grief emotions and are able to accept that the loss has occurred and cannot be undone”. Acceptance allows oneself to become re-involved in life and return to living. Oskar along with the help of his grandfather digs up his father’s empty coffin. When his grandfather asks Oskar why he would want to dig up his father’s grave, he simply says … “because it’s the truth… that he’s dead”. (Foer321). Facing the empty coffin is Oskar’s way of receiving the closure that he needs. It allowed him to finally accept the truth that his father is gone forever. By embracing the truth, the individual can finally move on with their lives and make new connections.
Grief is a necessary coping mechanism that human beings use to alleviate an encounter with tragedy or sadness. It’s probably a method humans developed as a way to deal with stress. There is no “normal” timetable for grieving. However, Kubler-Ross and Kessler’s model depict ways that most people would react to a personal loss. Healing after a great loss is not an easy task and each individual deals with their misery in their own way. It is important for one to go through the process of mending a broken heart in order to continue living and allowing oneself to be open to others. Moving on doesn’t necessarily mean that you have forgotten your loved one. Like a statement made by Mr. Black, “So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go”. (Foer 153).