How to Change Your Attachment Style
Our attachment styles affect our behaviors and interaction with others. Human being are agitated for attachment for example, babies began to cry when their mother separated from them. Early childhood experiences and other environmental factors shape our attachment styles. It depends especially upon mother’s interaction with her child in early stages of development.
Attachment Styles
Luckily, usually people attachment styles are secure because it nourishes survival. It determines our safety and motivates us to help others in threatening situations. A mother feel anxious when she didn’t find her child in home, it indicates her attachment and bonding with her child. Mostly three attachment styles people generally use when interact with their loved one, relatives and friends.
Around 50 percent of the population use Secure Attachment.
20 percent population having Anxious Attachment.
Avoidant Attachment use by 25 percent people in general.
Secure versus Anxious or Anxious versus Avoidant are 3 to 5 percent in population.
Secure Attachment.
People who use secure attachment bonding are warmth and loving by nature, they are able to make intimate relationships without having worries or creating misunderstandings. They accept their partner or spouse mistakes courageously and treat them with love, care and respect. People with secure attachment don’t manipulate, their conversations are open and direct, they assertively share their views, needs and feelings. They always try to fulfill needs and demands of their partner and put an effort to make them happy. They are having good sense of self-esteem, they don’t personalize thing on themselves and accept criticism openly. Hence, they take defensive side during any argument or conflict. Despite of exaggerate a problem they believe to resolve it through table talk, forgiving and apologizing.
Anxious Attachment.
People who own anxious attachment style tend to be close with their loving relationships and possess the ability to make intimate relations. They give up their needs to please spouse in order to strengthen relationship. They sacrifice their own needs that create unhappiness in life. They feel stuck and pre occupied to meet the needs and demands of their partner that is so anxiety provoking for them at times. Their viewpoint often get negative in circumstances where they think they are unable to handle the conflicts, they project the scenario negatively. Researchers found differences in brain of people with anxious attachment style as compare to people who use secure attachment style.
To cope with anxiety they may play games or behave in a way to seek attention of their loved one or partners. They want encouragement by withdrawing, exhibiting emotional responses, avoiding calls, getting jealous, or make threat to leave. They might become jealous when any close person give attention to someone else.
Avoidant Attachment.
People who use avoidant attachment makes distance from closeness, their autonomy and self-reliance are more important than intimacy. They set limit to enjoy closeness in relationship. They usually behave as a self independent and self contained person; they don’t like to share feelings openly with others. For instance, results of a study indicate that avoidant people didn’t show much intimacy with partners when saying send-off in an airport. They can’t compromise on their freedom and are strict for fulfilling commitment on time. They focus on partner’s minor fault or recalling past mistakes to criticize them.
Anxiously attached person shows sign of distance through hyper vigilance, similarly avoidant attached person is hyper vigilant for partner’s in an attempt to control his or her autonomy. They involve in distancing behavior like flirting, initiate in unilateral decisions, avoiding partner and don’t understand his or her needs and feelings. Avoidant attached people repressed needs and feeling to make dominancy on their partners, they feel satisfy when spouse appears needy to them.
Insecure attachment affects adult relationships
Insecure attachment can be a considerable problem in anyone life, and it started when a child didn’t get sufficient attention, love and care from parents. When insecurity become high it may develop several other problems such as,
Tune out and turn off – When parent don’t give enough time to a child or most of the time unavailable then child become lost in his inner world, difficulty making close relationship, emotional attachments. When they grow older they show insensitivity toward close relation especially with their spouse.
Stay insecure When any one of a parent is aggressive or intrusive then children will most likely to feel anxiety and fear, always feels tension for an upcoming situation. In adulthood, they may become confuse in making selection for their life.
Become disorganized, aggressive and angry – When child’s early needs for emotional closeness go unfulfilled, or parent’s behavior is a source of confusion or terror, problems are remain till child’s adulthood. When they make relationships, they might take much time to trust someone or don’t trust, and may be insensitive to the needs of spouse.
Develop slowly – Insecurity leads to delays apparent themselves as shortfall and result in consequent physical and mental health problems, and social and learning disabilities.
Causes of insecure attachment
Major causes of insecure attachments include:
• Physical abandon – Due to malnutrition, inadequate exercise, and ignorance of medical concerns.
• Emotional abuse – insufficient attention, underestimate or neglect child’s needs and feelings; emotionally ignored by parents.
• Physical or sexual exploitation – physical damage or defiance
• Parting from primary caregiver – Because of severe illness, loss, separation, adoption
• Irregularity in primary caregiver – Parent handover child to nannies or daycare centers
• Recurrent shifting – Frequent shifting of residency may develop insecurity in person.
• Distressing experiences – severe illnesses or mishap
• Maternal depression – Mothers who suffers from depression due to inadequate finances, lack of support, relationship conflict, their children may become insecure because these type of mothers don’t get attach to children.
• Addiction of alcohol or other substance – Any of the parent who use alcohol or other substance are not play their parenting role well. In result, their children may become aggressive, arrogant, rigid or stubborn.
• Inexperienced mother – Due to lack in parenting skills, one doesn’t have awareness about child rearing that could lead to behavioral issues in children.
Changing Styles
People can change their attachment style when they become aware that their attachment style is anxious or avoidant. One can seek therapy or take help from professional to seek good advice and recommendation to improve his or her attachment style. He or she can make relationships with those people who uses secure attachment style and confident in dealing with different aspect of life. People with anxious attachment style feel comfortable in long term commitment in relationships; they mostly like people with secure attachment style. This can help them to change their anxious style of attachment when they maintain healthy contacts with person having secure attachment. People can take some easy steps to change their attachment style and cure from codependency. It involves the following useful ways such as,
Raising one’s self esteem can help to handle difficult circumstances. In this way they feel confident about their abilities and don’t get embarrass in critical situations.
Assertive learning can be more beneficial for those people who want to change their attachment style and bonding.
Identification of inner feeling and needs and to express it in appropriate manner will help person in dealing with others assertively.
Try to remain open, genuine, authentic and direct when having conversation with anyone. Try to avoid manipulation for personal interest.
Giving value of others opinion and accept it can reduce differences in relationships which leads to strong bonding in close relations.
Don’t over react, and learn ways to resolution conflict, making compromises can create a healthy environment as well as give sense of achievement.