The impacts of parental divorce on children
Introduction
Parental divorce is a common trend faced by the world at large even though the rates vary from country to country or region to region. According to the United Nations, divorce is defined as a final legal dissolution of marriage. In other words, it is that legal separation of husband and wife which confers on the parties the right to remarriage under civil, religious and other provisions, according to the laws of each country. It is, however, apparent that even though divorce is a legal separation, it impacts on the parties concerned, notably children cannot be overemphasized. No matter how civil or amicable a divorce is, there are always psychological, emotional and sometimes economic and social impacts on the kids. The aim of this paper is therefore to use my personal experiences as well as other, newspaper and movie sources to bring out the most common consequences of parental divorce on children. This, therefore, brings us to the following research questions;
• Are there psychological, emotional and other problems commonly faced by children from divorced or broken homes?
• What are some of the attitudes divorced parents should adopt to ensure that their children are sound in all spheres of their lives?
My personal experiences
I’m a victim of divorce as my parents legally separated when I was just five years old. Of course, my parents were legally married and blessed with three kids. I have an elder sister and a younger brother who was barely two years old at the time of my parent’s divorce. It is apparent that I was too young to understand what was going on at the time. However, it didn’t take me long to start noticing that my family structure was an ‘abnormal’ one. The reason is that we all were with our mom and although our dad was prompt at paying a fixed sum for child support, he was absent in our lives. There was an emotional void that needed to be filled. This affected me a whole lot especially my performance in high school. I envied people with caring and loving fathers. When I was a young teenager, I remember watching the program titled ‘sweet sixteen’ where parents, fathers inclusive would spoil their children on their sixteenth birthdays. Even though I was often green with envy whenever I saw some expensive car gifts from fathers to their daughters or sons, what I longed for most was simply a hug from my father. It is, however, worth mentioning that I had only seen my biological father on pics since after the divorce which changed our lives. It was a case of domestic violence, and so my dad was given a restraining order to stay away from my mother. As irresponsible as he was, he never cared to look for us.
At a certain point in high school, I found myself telling lies and trying to fabricate stories of how awesome and wonderful my dad was. I was particularly motivated to do so because I envied my best friend whose dad I thought was the ‘world’s best father. Whenever she came up with a new dress that was offered to her by her dad, I would do my best also to bring something new to boast to her and everyone who cared to listen about how awesome my father was. The result of such unhealthy and illogical competition was that I was constantly fighting with my mother. I was a delinquent who would try stealing money from my mother’s purse whenever she failed to meet my irrational needs. I was strictly motivated by financial and other material gains.
It was apparent that something was quite wrong in my life. Something was still missing in my life as I didn’t have peace of mind. I then became worried about my life to the extent that I decided to consult with a counselor just before I enrolled in the university. It is worth mentioning that my siblings (sister and brother) were not doing well themselves. It was always one problem or another, and their situations were quite similar to mine. Nevertheless, the counselor diagnosed my problems and told me my behavior was inconsistent because I was suffering from the consequences of my parent’s divorce. The counselor then offered me the much-needed help and guidance until I became a confident and fairly stable woman once more.
Consequences of parental divorce on children
Here I’m going to use my experiences as well as other sources such as newspapers, and movies to discuss some of the common consequences of divorce in our society such as how Parental divorce encourages deviant behaviors among children.
One of the major consequences of parental divorce on children is the fact it encourages certain deviant behaviors in them. Even though divorced parents are most often in denial about how badly their breakup has affected their children, most of the children eventually get involved into social ills such as alcoholism, drug addiction, prostitution and stealing/arm robbery. According to an article written by Sarah Harris and published via the Herald Sun in December 2013, many parents fail to realize that their children are fast turning into alcohol and drugs after divorce. The same article further revealed that one in twenty children from divorced homes had turned into alcohol to find solace after parental divorce. It is equally not uncommon to see children from divorced homes indulging in acts of prostitution and stealing either as a result of lack resources or because they did not have anyone to confide their difficulties. Sarah Harris through an article published via the Herald Sun further stated that one in five children out of the 100 children aged 8-18 from broken homes revealed that there was no point confiding in either their mothers or fathers since they were too wrapped up in their problems. Now, relating this to my personal experience, it is evident that the reason I started living an irresponsible life
stealing money from my mother’s purse and drinking underage, it was partly that I wasn’t too close to my mother who was my only parent. I felt she was dealing with a lot already; hence, I didn’t feel like bothering her with my problems.
2) Divorce results in the development of suicidal ideation among children
Another serious consequence of divorce on children is the fact they could be frustrated to the extent of developing suicidal tendencies and ideas. According to this article published by Sarah Harris in the Herald Sun in 2013, one out nine of the children used for the survey had deliberately wounded themselves whereas six percent had considered suicide with two of them trying to kill themselves. Similarly, information obtained from a 2011 article written by Fiona Macre and published in the UK Daily Mail indicates that children from broken/divorced homes are more likely to be plagued by suicidal thoughts in the later years of life than those from more stable homes. The same article by Fiona Macre further revealed that suicidal ideas were three times higher in boys from divorced homes because they are often more profoundly affected by seeing their parents’ marriage crumble than girls. I think the reason for suicidal ideas among children from broken/divorced homes stems from the moment they start doubting if their parents love them. They eventually resolve to suicide because they are convinced no one cares if they are happy and alive.
3) Children from divorced homes sometimes go through a traumatic childhood
Based on observations and my personal experiences, I’m convinced that children from divorced or broken homes sometimes go through traumatic childhood experiences characterized by hardships and poverty. This is particularly the case when parents are reluctant to cooperate for their children’s upbringing. Also, this tendency is quite common in most less developed parts of the world like some African countries where there are no strict laws put in place to ensure that a reasonable amount is paid as child support. The consequence is that most of these children end up being deprived of the luxurious and great memories of childhood. Some of these children are forced to start feigning for themselves at an early age whereas others go through the trauma of watching one parent go through so many difficulties for them to have a better life. For instance, in the movie titled ‘The pursuit of happiness’ starring Will Smith, his young son had to bear the brunt of a separation at a certain point. This boy had to watch his dad try so hard to ensure that they both had a good life. At some point in this movie, Will Smith and his son were homeless and were forced to spend nights wherever darkness fell on them. It was indeed a struggle for survival before Will Smith eventually succeeded in securing the job he needed so badly. However, even though the movie didn’t focus on the boy’s life in his later years, it wouldn’t be strange that such traumatic experiences affected him a great deal and played on his teenage or adult life negatively. Relating to my own experiences, I do not doubt that the trauma of watching my mom struggle hard as a low-income earner just to give us the best equally affected me a lot especially when I compared my home situation with that of my best friend’s whose home was striving well in all spheres of life.
4) Parental divorce results in anxiousness and uncertainties
A child’s short term reaction to divorce could be anxiousness. This assertion is however backed by the fact that the child’s mind becomes filled with scary questions that have no instant answers as a result of the many different, new as well as unknown twists. For example, young children from divorced/broken homes are often eager to know what will happen next. They will wonder about who is going to take care of them, whether or not their parents will still love them and above all, the fear of losing the other parent after one parent moves out. Young children from divorced/broken homes may, therefore, go through certain situations and conditions such as separation anxieties, crying at bedtimes, breaking toilet training, bed-wetting, clinging, whining, throwing tantrums, and temporary loss of established self-care skills just to get parental attention (Carl 2011).
Attitudes parents should adopt to ensure that their children are fine after a divorce
Divorce no doubts introduces a massive change into the lives of all the parties involved and concerned. This explains why divorced parents are most often forced to adopt new behaviors and strategies for the best interest of their children so that they do not end up suffering from the consequences of their divorce. According to an article published in New York Times in 1989, parents and children will get into new routines, new friends, and new schools while simultaneously taking full opportunity of the second chances that divorce brings in its wake. Let’s look at some of the strategies in the subsequent paragraphs;
1) Parents should maintain a close relationship with their children
One of the best ways for divorced parents to ensure that children do not go through the ugly consequences of divorce is by staying close to the kids. Parents should therefore not give up on their kids even if they are giving up on the spouses. By establishing a strong and close relationship with their children irrespective of whether or not they live with them, the children eventually gain more confidence and trust in them. The bright side of this is, however, the fact that parents will be able to guide their children better since there is a likelihood that the kids will confide about everything happening in their lives to them.
2) Parents should encourage their children to be close to their divorced partners
Some parents make the mistake of trying to pitch rivalry or tension between their children and their former partners after a divorce. However, such a character is ridiculous and will only ruin the children’s chances to a stable life after their divorce. It is worth noting that children need the support of both parents to excel in life. Parents should rather encourage their children to have a great relationship with not only their former spouses after a divorce but with their new partners in their lives.
3) Parents should meet the material and financial needs of their children after a divorce
Ensuring that your kids do not lack their basic needs after a divorce is a great strategy that builds their esteem and helps them move on from the ugly situation. As a parent, being responsible enough to provide or support your children financially after a divorce helps in maintaining their sanity and stability. It is, however, best for both parents to take up their responsibilities without being forced by any authorities in charge.
Conclusion
Divorce remains a serious problem that if not well handled will ruin the lives of the children in the family. The reason is that divorcing is a very challenging situation, not only for parents involved but also for the children. The emotional and psychological traumas of divorce on children cannot be overemphasized. Divorced parents should, therefore, cooperate not only with their children but with each other to ensure that the lives of their children remain balanced after a divorce.