How to Win Friends & Influence People written by Dale Carnegie is a book offering tips to strengthen oneself in both professional and personal decisions, conversations, and friendships. The book was published in 1937 and has sold over 15 million copies, proving it to be a very successful and influential piece of literature. Carnegie believes that the ability to effectively communicate and deal with others is a tremendously important skill in business and personal life. Carnegie structured the book in a way that separates his principles into 4 different parts. In the first part, he teaches the fundamentals of dealing with other individuals. The topics discussed in this section are avoiding criticism, practicing honesty and sincerity, and arousing others by talking about their wants and interests. In the second part, he discusses six ways to make oneself likable by others. The topics discussed here are becoming genuinely interested in others, smiling, making use of a person’s name, being and good listener, encouraging others to talk about themselves, and talking about the other person’s interests. Next, he discusses ways to win others to one’s way of thinking. The principles noted here are avoiding arguments, respecting the opinions of others, admitting wrongness, always starting conversation in a friendly way, begin discussions on topics on which you agree, allow the other person to do a great deal of talking, allow the other person to feel that the idea is their own, trying honestly to put yourself in their place, being sympathetic with the other’s ideas and desires, appealing to the nobler motives, dramatizing your ideas, and stimulating competition and challenge. Lastly, Carnegie discusses how to be a leader and how to change people. The topics discussed here are beginning with praise and honest appreciation of the other, calling attention to people’s mistakes indirectly, talking about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person, asking questions instead of giving direct orders, letting the other person save face, praise the other’s improvements, giving the other person a fine reputation to live up to, making the other’s faults seem easy to correct, and making the other person feel happy about doing the thing you suggest.
After reading this book, I shared it with a friend and work colleague of mine. His name is Branton Phillips, and he is currently the Director of Sales at Legacy Turf Management in Chickamauga, Georgia. I shared an overview of the book with him, which led to a discussion on many of the topics. First, he stated that he had read one of Dale Carnegie’s books, The Leader in You. As he is a salesman, our conversation naturally stayed on the topic of sales. Branton reflected on times when he either has used these traits for effectively make a sale or when he could have used one in order to reach a better outcome. Throughout the book, Carnegie thoroughly speaks about making others feel important. Branton stated that he always makes a point to refer to others by name. He believes that he has seen in improvement in his relationships and sales since making this improvement. He asked me which traits from this book I felt would be the most difficult to carry out in my own life. After thinking for a while, I decided that quickly admitting when I am wrong would be most difficult. After thinking about it, I decided that this would be most difficult because it feels embarrassing to admit that you are wrong about something that, just seconds ago, you were so confident about. Branton quickly agreed with me. He stated that he believes his strong sense of pride is one of the greatest contributors to his success. He stated that he feels more confident and prideful, therefore enabling him to be a stronger communicator and leader. However, we both agreed that it is absolutely possible to maintain that pride and confidence after admitting when we are wrong.
I chose How to Win Friends & Influence People because I felt that it would lend an alternative and compelling perspective of business. College education is focused on the technical knowledge needed to obtain a career, perform tasks, and make educated business decisions. This book offers guidance on a deeper and more personal level. As I am preparing to begin my professional career in real estate, this book shows me ways to become more efficient in communication, negotiation, listening, and leading. Overall, these traits will lead me to reach my ultimate goal of becoming a great seller.
I found Carnegie’s perspective on criticism to be one of the most compelling principles within the book. He stated, “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.” I felt drawn to this principle because I have personally dealt with criticism that led me to immediately feel resentment toward an individual. After reading this, I better understand how important it will be for me in my professional career to avoid criticizing others in a way that would lead them to resent me.
Another topic that I find valuable is Carnegie’s belief in becoming genuinely interested in others. He states, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years of trying to get other people interested in you.” While reflecting on my life and relationships, this principle has proven to be true. We want to surround ourselves with people who are interested in us, people who want to talk about us, and people who reassure us of how great we are. Carnegie uses birthday wishes as an example of this. Although today we have Facebook and other social media applications to remind us of our friend’s birthdays, this was a more difficult task in 1937. For years, Carnegie worked to find out the birthday of each of his friends by asking if they believed in astrology. After they stated their birthdays, he would write it down. He stated that he was one of few to wish his friends happy birthdays, and he states that it always paid off by making others feel so remembered and appreciated.
Carnegie later discusses the important of admitting when we are wrong. This is a circumstance that all individuals face regularly, and his advice on how to react in this situation is very helpful. He asks, “If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?” These questions are compelling, as most individuals in an argument tend to continue arguing their stance even after realizing they are incorrect. I suppose this behavior stems from a person’s desire to maintain their pride. He goes on to say, “Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.” These statements are extremely helpful for me. I have always felt that it is embarrassing to admit to another when I am wrong in a conversation, but the way Carnegie has laid it out here makes it seem quite the opposite. Saying the belittling or negative things about yourself removes the majority of the embarrassment from the situation.
The book strengthens a person’s ability to problem solve and teaches ways to avoid conflict. It offers knowledge on how to become a better leader. It illustrates how to influence people more easily and convince them of your own ideas. It teaches how to make oneself more likable by others. It teaches tips to become a master on conversation. When put into practice, these traits will together help me to develop professionally as I begin my career.