Talking Dirty:
An Urban Sociological Research about BDSM culture in San Francisco
What every person in every society has in common is sex. Perhaps you’ve had it or maybe you haven’t, but either way, you have a relationship with it. Until very recently most people weren’t talking about consent before having sex. The Cosby, Weinstein, and Kavanaugh cases, as well as the #MeToo moment brought this issue into the social conversation. However, there is a sub-culture where talking about what you do, or do not consent to, in bedroom play is the foundation of their counterculture: BDSM. In San Francisco, there is an established and celebrated BDSM community. BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance/ submission, sadism, and masochism. WIITWD (for “what it is that we do”) is another acronym that some practitioners use to include all BDSM practices.
BDSM is a sexual interest practiced by a small sub-culture that requires active consent before attempting different sexual ‘scenes’. A scene according to those who are active, is a term that refers to a single act of participation in BDSM related activities. These scenes may include bondage, pain or sensation play, edge-play, power exchange, role playing, fetishes, leathersex, orgasm denial, etc. “In total, 1.8% of sexually active people (2.2% of men, 1.3% of women) said they had been involved in BDSM in the previous year. (Richters)” Of those people the majority of the BDSM community is represented by those who identify as gay/lesbian and bisexual but not limited to those gender and sexual orientations.
Setting the scene
I’ve spent the majority of my life living in the Bay Area. I am middle-eastern and latin cisgendered bisexual female whose personally struggled with both my cultures in regards to my sexual identity. I have often felt guilty for having explored my sexuality, but never have I felt comfortable exploring the idea of other realms of pleasure. It wasn’t until my friend recently came to me telling me of her BDSM self-exploration. This was the first intimate story I’ve heard about BDSM culture. I am embarrassed to say that I prematurely judged her. That subjective thinking is really a reflection of my own ignorance. This is for her and her ability to constantly broaden my mind and my thoughts on pleasure, sex, and sexuality.
In this ethnographic fieldwork, I will begin my qualitative research at the Folsom Street Fair and the Citadel. I also conducted two interviews with members of the community. I chose the Folsom Street Fair because it is the world’s largest leather and fetish event with a wide array of active participants, educational booths, and display of sexual freedom. I also went to the Citadel, a BDSM club in downtown SF, where I was able to obtain an objective depiction of the active BDSM participants.
Sociological guiding questions
These questions will guide and help me analyze this subcultures’ behaviors and pinpoint the characteristics that make up this niche community.
Why does this group exist?
Who is apart of this group? How do the members of the active community interact with one another?
What is the history of BDSM? Where can this group be found today?
What are the most discerning characteristics and social behaviors among the individuals in this community?
How is this group impacting mainstream culture in urban society?
Sociological analysis
Why does BDSM exist?
After having gone to both the Folsom Street Fair and the Citadel I can see that BDSM exists on a microsociological level because all of these individuals share a common sexual interest: kink. BDSM encompasses different forms of pleasure outside of what is dominant culture (ie. heteronormative). I spoke to this young man, Adam who came up to me at the fair and asked to be tickled. He wanted to be tickled soft and then hard. He explained that tickling caused this arousal affect that was more rewarding than having an orgasm. He said that it was the soft touch and movement of the hand that would play into orgasm denial. Tickling would excite him so much that it would create this sexual anticipation that was next-level intense. This is just a display of sexual pleasure that is outside of what many would consider to be “normal”.
Who is apart of this group? How do the members of the active community interact with one another?
I stood in line to enter the Folsom Street Faire and the first sign I see states rules that reflect their mission to maintain a safe venue for self-expression, sexual freedom, diversity, and sex-positivity. One of the main rules was to ask permission to take pictures of anyone as well as ask permission to engage in scenes with other people at the event. This was very eye-opening to me because there is often this misconception that these sexual acts are done without consent. It was then I learned that that wasn’t the case. Walking around I saw people from all walks of life: young and old, people of all genders, and all ethnicities. Even in a large crowd, overall, these rules were respected. At one point I saw a young girl, sub, bound to a pole with saran wrap naked underneath being flogged. The flogger, her dom, was flogging her hard with a leather whip but with every few whacks, he asked her how she was doing with a dominant tone. A person, intoxicated and not respecting the rules of the event, came by and hit her with a whip. Her dom chased him down and defended her by yelling at him and explaining that you couldn’t engage without consent remaining in his dom role. This was a clear depiction of how those apart of the community treated each other. He treated her with respect while also attending to her desire for pain-driven pleasure. What I will say according to my field notes is that everyone, especially at the Citadel, were surprisingly “normal”. These are people you would see walking beside you on the street, going to work, going to school, and so forth. In fact the people were so average in physical characteristics that it allowed for a very welcoming and comfortable feeling as you talk to the people inside and watch the scenes.
What is the history of BDSM? Where can this group be found today?
"Being a largely marginalized set of sexual practices, BDSM is a difficult thing to trace historically. The commonly accepted theory within the community is that BDSM emerged from World War II soldiers, who sexualized the intense emotions of their wartime experiences and associated them with the severe utilitarian aesthetics and the psychological domination required of the military.(Cooper)” It is because of their history, where the militaristic and motorcycle look came from. The BDSM community in San Francisco is extensive and considered to be an alternative lifestyle. There are meet ups, events, clubs, online forums, and websites like fetlife.com where you can potentially meet other players. The Citadel is tucked away in the ethnocentric, original-gay neighborhood of San Francisco; the Tenderloin. It is clubs like the Citadel that have a full BDSM play dungeon, open spaces, lounges where you can fulfill any fantasies and kinks. They also have several educational programs, demonstrations, and other events that the staff coordinate and run to educate and assist new and experienced players.
What are the most discerning characteristics and social behaviors among the individuals in this community?
The most distinguishing characteristics among players in the community is openness, care, communication. Qualities that heteronormative relationships often struggle with. Those participating are more often ready and able to talk about their sexual preferences clearly because they have explored their desires and sexual fantasies. According to a control group of 1,336 people who filled out an online questionnaire found that “BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, had higher subjective well-being, yet were less agreeable (Wismeijer).”
How is this group impacting mainstream culture in urban society?
The easiest and most obvious depiction of BDSM culture was the novel and movie called 50 Shades of Gray. Many practitioners did not support this film and book because there were false depictions of the culture. In fact many players were enraged that this movie and novel became so prominent in pop culture because of the misinformation of an already taboo subculture. Also if you walk into the most common lingerie shops, the lingerie that is meant for play is very much influenced by the vintage and modern BDSM outfits.
Reflection and conclusion
Never have I ever felt so vanilla ( a BDSM term meaning someone or sex that is not kinky). As an active member of other countercultures, this was most definitely out of my comfort zone. It made me recognize my own sexual desires in a new light. It is a welcoming community that truly is open to educate heteronormative about the truth and fallacies of the taboo nature of BDSM.
Despite what some scholars and experts say to be an indication of psychological issues with those who participate in BDSM, the empirical evidence shows otherwise. The culture makes up a small portion of our cosmopolitan city of San Francisco. The BDSM culture is most often, when practiced correctly, a safe place for anyone to live out fantasies outside what is considered to be the norm. Perhaps, as a society, since we are in a social age where openly talking about sex and consent is encouraged will this subculture make its way into mainstream culture.