In a matter of seconds, the person you are communicating with has just received your text. At the tip of your fingers, you can instantly be in contact with a person that is standing nowhere near you. Since the presence of high tech tools and gadgets has become so widespread it has made technology apart of our everyday lives providing us with: text messages, phone calls, and social media. Now that technology is prevalent in our lives we struggle with our traditional form of communication, a face to face conversation. Professor of Linguistics Deborah Tannen has written a book titled That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships where she looks closely at the way that humans communicate with each other and the different styles behind our communication. In the chapter “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers”, Tannen mentions particular concepts such as women listening in for metamessages, how different genders grow up to communicate a certain way, and variations in how men and women communicate through problems. By looking at these concepts, Tannen claims that there is an interesting divide between male and female communication. This divide in communication has increased with the use of technology. Although technology has unlocked a gate to more connections it has decreased the quality of conversations which can be damaging to our relationships.
From the beginning of time, culture has associated a clear and distinct divide between men and women. Through tradition, it is evident that there are already roles set in place for a man and a woman. In “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers”, Tannen notes that there are differences in male to female conversation. During our upbringing, we learn what it is that society expects of us as we communicate with one another. Therefore, a man will be spoken to, responded to, and treated in a different manner than a woman would. As Tannen explains, “These cultural differences include differing expectations about the role of talk in relationships and how it fulfills that role” (133). From this quote, Tannen ties together culture and the effect it has on our communication within relationships. After all, talking things out is a key factor to a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, relationships will fail if there is little to no communication being made. Since men and women have different methods of conversing we struggle to understand one another and are unsuccessful at communicating effectively.
One way women have proven themselves to be more complex is their use of metamessages which can be harder to receive through technology. Tannen describes metamessages as the underlying meaning of something we say. Metamessages are the way in which we imply other things rather than what is being said. Under the section “Women Listen for Metamessages”, she discusses how women are focused in on the idea being involved in a relationship yet expects the other person to understand the signal they are indirectly trying to get across. In the text Tannen describes, “If you want to take the temperature and check the vital signs of the relationship, the barometers to check are its metamessages: how it’s said and how”(136). Instead of directly telling their partners what they really mean, females prefer their partner to read along the lines. As a result, a relationship may deteriorate as both partners are conflicted and are still unsure as to what their partner really means. Unfortunately, the shift towards technology can worsen how women perceive these metamessages. As written in the article Is Texting Ruining the Art of Conversation? Fear We Are Losing Ability to Have Traditional Face-to-face Conversations the Associated Press writes, “They key in on body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice — all cues that you lose when you can't see or hear someone, or when you're distracted, even in person, by a gadget.” Due to traditional face to face conversations being replaced by text messaging, metamessages become challenged in communication. Consequently, there is a possibility that misunderstandings increase since a text can be perceived by the reader and sender differently. An emoji can only go so far as to telling us how that person is truly feeling. Technology can limit the amount of interpersonal connections that are being made in which an emoji cannot express authentic affection that humans truly look for (Johnson). Because technology is replacing body languages, facial expressions, and tone with emojis and gifs we lose the ability to have those metamessages and may deem condition of the relationship incorrectly.
Moreover, under the subheading “Growing Up Male and Female”, Tannen discusses the differences between the two genders as they get older. The author reveals, “Little girls and little boys learn how to have conversations as they learn how to pronounce words: from their playmates”(142), in which these interactions provide the backbone to the way we will communicate as adults. During our youth, we build the foundation in which we develop certain attitudes and communication habits. Even while we are growing up girls and boy vary in the way they communicate and socialize with one another. Tannen explains, “Girls like to play cooperatively; if they can’t cooperate, the group breaks up”, on the other hand, “Little boys tend to play in larger groups, often outdoors, and they spend more time doing things than talking”(142). From a younger age, girls and boys behave differently in the way they socialize. The way that women are raised causes them to create close friendships with those who they can trust while men develop friendships that are shallower and stick to doing activities together. As technology continues to grow, social media platforms allow people to create more friends and expand their connections. Unfortunately, as the quantity of communication increases the quality is nowhere near that of a conversation in person. We are unable to receive important metamessages clearly. A virtual connection does not compare to spending quality time with another human being as the quality begins to dwindle.
One of the biggest factors to a successful and healthy relationship is the ability to communicate the issues and problems that arise. Under the subheading “How to Talk Things Out”, Tannen goes into depth on how the differences men and women have when couples mention their problems to one another. In this chapter she states, “Complementary schismogenesis can easily set in: His way of responding to her bid for intimacy makes her feel distant from him”(144), which shows that the way a man responds with to a woman's problem often times results in her feeling offended. This is because women want to know that they are not alone in their problems and are being understood instead of judged. With the use of modern day technology is easy to lose sight of intimacy. Having an intimate conversation, especially between a couple can become tangled when technology provides an emotional barrier. Through text messages, the way people perceive messages can be altered. For instance, many people tend to be vaguer and insincere over text which can create problems. Even more, we can reach the point where we can hear what the other person has to say yet distancing ourselves because they are not physically there. We ourselves can purposely refuse to talk things out with one another which can be seen in modern day when you are leaving someone on “read” or on block. When an instance like this occurs it leaves a relationship to crumble as communication is shut off.
Technology has proven to be a permanent part of day to day life. The attachment we have to our phones is far greater than the personal connection we have between ourselves and others. As stated in an article titled Face Time vs. Screen Time: The Technological Impact on Communication by Chandra Johnson she displays her concern, “Right now, at Boston College, there's a course on how to ask a person out on a date. It's like we've lost the skill of courtship and the ability to make that connection.” The proper communication between women and men has started to decrease and lack due because newer generations are not accustomed to speaking face to face but rather through a screen. Although Tannen’s concepts is associated to the to the reasons and explanations as to how men and women communicate with one another it still holds true in modern day. Although technology has created a platform where we are able to connect with others instantly, it can change how deep these conversations and relationships run. Despite being able to talk to another person at any time or place, we sometimes revert to small talk instead of real conversations. Instead, technology has worsened the way in which men and women communicate because it leaves the other person with misunderstandings due to lack of metamessages being received.
From examining Tannen’s concepts in “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers” it is clear that there is a divide between male and female relationships as technology wedges in between, allowing the communication to weaken as there becomes an increasing abuse of technology. Although technology is able to provide us with a quick and easy way to get in touch with other it can potentially damage the intimate relationships we have with each other. As we move onto using screen time more, we start to lack in our quality of communication. The increasing use of technology has weakened the way we communicate as a society but in those relationships we hold closest to us.