Key Issues in Dating and Sexuality
Throughout the years, dating and sexuality have become more complicated as our society and culture evolves. Whether it’s new ways of meeting potential mates, the increasing number of cases involving sexually transmitted infections, or facing legal complications due to their sexuality; dating and relationships nowadays are very different than they used to be. In an article written by Matthew Kassel, he discusses the single life and the challenges he and many others like him face as they struggle to find a partner in a technological world. With the countless number of apps and dating websites, it’s an endless cycle of first dates with the same tireless conversation person to person. It seems as though it is impossible to find a possible partner when you have thousands of choices. In addition to the younger crowd being stuck in a tireless dating game, they are not the only ones struggling. Lenny Bernstein sheds light on the fact that the older generation has seen a noticeable increase of diagnoses of HIV. These are people who would never believe that they were at risk considering their age. It is something they aren’t educated about, and their diagnoses is life-changing. Although this new generation affected is mostly heterosexuals and women, it also includes the “overall HIV universe,” which includes gay men. Not only do same-sex couples have a higher risk for HIV, they also struggle legal complications in forming a family. Elizabeth Harris discusses the complications LGBTQ couples face in their relationships, which includes discrimination that comes from religious organizations, state laws, and length and complicated processes. In the articles written discussing relationships, sex, and dating there are numerous challenges that people all over face in their life. By understanding theoretical perspectives in sociology, we can better comprehend these issues and learn how to possibly evolve and adapt in order to have a better future.
Why is it that dating these days is always complicated, awkward, and unpleasant? Writer Matthew Kassel asks this, as he himself is a young man in New York trying to navigate the single life. Only recently, Kassel realizes that the amount of first dates he went on had drastically increased. And out of that amount, only one made it past the first date. The problem that he and many others face is that online dating is convenient, safe, and easy. You can scroll through hundreds of potential mates from the comfort of your own home. But this isn’t how dating should be. It’s awkward, forced, and exhausting. “Online dating is work,” a woman in her forties says. It took her four years before she found a suitable partner. “You have to experiment a lot,” says Mr. Reis, “…If you go on 50 first dates and you find one that works, I’d call that a success.”
Understanding symbolic interactionism may be helpful in better understanding the issue of why using online dating websites is so hard. Symbolic interactionism focuses on language and symbols that help us to give meaning to our life experiences. As we interact with the world, we change the way we behave based on the meaning we give to social interactions. This can be seen in the dating world. We focus on thinking about what we will do next and change our behavior, our looks, and our approached based on how we believe others are perceiving us. Online dating is tough when people associate it with used as a hook up site and have impossible standards. There are “unwritten rules” of messaging, such as never starting with a “what’s up.” This is a symbol to people that is an immediate no. There are automatic signs whether or not this person is worthy or not, that may come from people’s past experiences or stereotypes. “He was dressed so nicely, he was handsome, and I’m sure that he was a really nice person,” (Chelsea) said, “but he just threw me way off and that was that.” Because he was a security guard who fudged on his profile and said he was in “securities” that was enough for no second date. Although some people may have let that slide, perhaps this woman is worried what others may think if she dates a security guard? Some working in security is interesting and important, but demoting down to a lowly security guard might be embarrassing.
In my opinion, I think that the problem with online dating is that there is a negative stigma associated. Everyone is afraid to be themselves and to be honest, doing things like changing their heights and occupation, and people are judged so quickly based on a profile composed of looks. I think a way to fix this is to require identification when signing up on these sites to have more accurate information, and to have a questionnaire that allows you to put your interests and hobbies and focus less on what you look like. Maybe go as far as to not have profile pictures, and once you match with the person, you can see what they look like. That way, people will focus less on vanity and what other’s might think if their partner isn’t handsome or tall enough. It might put more excitement back into what has become boring and tiresome if the dating sites weren’t just mindless swiping left and right.
Another key issue in dating and sexuality, is the increasing number of older people who are being diagnosed with HIV each year. “Older people tend to be sicker when the infection is finally discovered,” Bernstein says, “they usually have other health conditions that accompany aging and are often too embarrassed to reveal their illness…” Contributing to the problem is health-care providers. Although data shows that older people are infected with HIV at increasing rates, they still do not routinely consider HIV when treating patients. In one example, it took more than 18 months to diagnose a 60-year-old man with HIV despite having symptoms that were consistent with the disease. One of the reasons for the rise in newly diagnosed patients is the increase of drug use such as Viagra. These drugs have extended men’s sex lives, and older men are not in the habit of using condoms. Although HIV has been an issue for years, the major difference for older people is that they are shocked and confused when discovering they have HIV. It’s hard to confront the idea that their partner may have been cheating on them, and it’s even harder to admit their diagnoses to their family. However, the one benefit to being diagnosed is becoming more aware of their health. Older people are much more serious in taking care of themselves, including watching their blood pressure, taking their medication diligently, and cutting out unhealthy habits.
Like in the previous article, structural functionalism can be used to better understand the issue of HIV in the older generation. The older generation tend to believe that an STD is a symbol of promiscuity or homosexuality. And the same goes for health care providers. In the example of the married 60-year-old man, it still took over a year for a proper diagnosis even though his symptoms were consistent with HIV. Why wouldn’t the health care provider test for and STD? One idea Bernstein has is that they are reluctant to ask about an older person’s sex life, or they attribute the symptoms as being related to old age. The stigma surrounding STD’s is extremely negative, and those who suffer from them are embarrassed and ashamed. For instance, a widower who admitted to bisexual relationships only agreed to be interviewed if granted anonymity. He still won’t admit it to his family even though his wife has passed, and he sees no benefit of letting them know. STD is a symbol of embarrassment, and makes people worry that they will be shunned when they need support them most. The problem with this, is that it can lead to mental illness as well. Because these people hide their diagnoses and isolate themselves, it can lead to depression, which can then cause them to stop taking their medication. A combination of depression, embarrassment over their diagnoses, and not taking medication can result in the worsening of their health.
In order to improve this issue in the future, I think that there needs to be more education about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases for the older generation. Although they do have classes that discuss protection, I think that teaching them about STDs, how they’re contracted, and what they actually are might be beneficial. Many of these people are under the impression that they are safe from any complications due to their age. When they are diagnosed, they are caught off guard because they didn’t realize they were at risk. If they were better equipped with the knowledge that everyone has a potential risk, it could help to decrease the amount of cases of HIV seen each year.
A third key issue seen in dating and sexuality is the challenges same sex couples face when trying to start a family. These couples who choose to have children are blocked by many laws that dictate whether or not they are allowed to be a parent. Deputy director and family law director Cathy Sakimura elaborates on this issue, saying, “there are very different laws from state to state in terms of how parents are protected, especially if they are unmarried…to know that you could drive into another state and not be considered a parent anymore, that’s a pretty terrifying situation.” In some states, adoption laws can be contradictory. In Maryland and Massachusetts, adoption agencies prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation, whereas in South Dakota, there are laws that allow agencies to refuse adoption if it violates the groups’ religious beliefs. In one case, a married couple still had to file for a second-parent adoption, which is time-consuming, lengthy, expensive, and tiresome. Although it seems unnecessary, fear and uncertainty has compelled many couples into this process so that they do not lose custody over their children – you never know what may happen.
Using the theory of structural functionalism, we can better understand the issue of challenges in same-sex relationships and parent adoptions. In the functionalist theory, the many different parts of society are made up of social institutions (family, government, economy, media, education, religion) that form and shape our society and depend on one another. Our social order is very dependent on how society can control our behaviors, and one of our most basic behaviors, sexuality, is very much so controlled by our norms and values. In our society, functionalists would identify normal behavior as relationships between a man and a woman. Supporting this norm, our political, legal, and social structures work together in order to uphold this ideal, therefore defining other types of relationships as problematic because they do not fit the ideal. Only in the last few decades have gay rights been able to influence discriminatory policies, but because not all states have, there are still problems. Once all parts of society, including government, family, religion, education etc., support other types of relationships and consider them a “norm,” will the challenges these parents face diminish.
In my opinion, I think that adoption agencies shouldn’t be allowed to discriminate on the types of couples adopting. If their true goal was to make sure that all the children found safe, loving homes, then their opinions on gay and lesbian couples shouldn’t be relevant. I don’t believe that religion should play a role in this issue, I feel as though it is an excuse and a loophole for discrimination. If laws cannot be passed in a timely matter, then perhaps opening more agencies that are accepting of all types of families. As long as the child is safe and happy, that is what matters most.
In conclusion, dating and sexuality is a complicated issue that faces challenges of all types. In the last few decades, it has become increasingly difficult to manage relationships, family, and sex in general. As technology increases, so does the struggle that many single people go through as they try to navigate the many sites and apps to find a partner. Not only have people become more judgmental, but online dating has always had a bad rep due to it becoming more focused on sex and the hookup culture for both the younger and older single groups. In addition to the stress of finding a relationship at an older age, the elder generation also struggles with navigating their sex lives. The increasing number of HIV cases has been shocking and a wake-up call for those who thought they were too old to deal with something like that. In addition to dating and sex being troubling, those in relationships also have more to stress about. The challenges that same sex couples face in trying to adopt have caused an outrage in the LGBTQ community. Something that should be joyous and a time for celebration has turned into a stressful, tiresome time as they struggle to work past the laws and discrimination that they face. Dating and sexuality is never an easy issue, but the one consolation is that people of all ages, sexes, and lifestyles are faced with challenges that can be fought and won.