Our quality of life depends to a significant extent on the types of relationships we develop. Relationships define our connectedness to others and may provide opportunities for close intimate relationships. There are many things needed for an intimate relationship but the main things necessary are respect, honesty, and communication. Many intimate relationships are usually associated with the physical aspect only. However, it is important to understand that there is more to building a relationship then the physical aspect. As we age, we form social relationships with others and we learn how to relate to others based on several different things. The dynamics of forming these close and intimate relationships differs from person to person. A healthy relationship between person to person requires the same expectations and feelings or else the relationship may be one sided and not authentic. Healthy relationships are also based on being able to identify who we are, what we want, how we want to be treated, and how we want to live. I know that one aspect that needs improving in my relationships is being able to say no and not comprising myself just to make sure other people’s needs come before mine. In many of my relationships between my friends, families, and even partner of interest, I always put myself second. For example, if one my friends wanted me to attend an event with them knowing I had other or prior obligations I would drop my obligations to be there for them because I don’t want them to think that I don’t support them. Sometimes, my obligations weren’t even satisfied in the end. This has been happening to me for a long time, but I did not realize how much I did this until I came to college. This left me feeling unhappy, and tired because I always putting myself last. Since my parents divorced and since I am the oldest, I have been use to comprising myself to carry the burden of others even if I knew it was not what I wanted to do. I was able to realize that this behavior was hurting me because my friends were not sacrificing for me as much as I was for them. As a result, I started putting my needs first and put my friends needs second.
The positives of putting my friends and family needs before my mine are that there needs from me will always be satisfied. Putting others first has made me more appreciative of what life has provided me with and has also taught me how to handle people’s emotions. On the other hand, the negative results of my behavior are that I can’t express myself how I want to, my wants are always placed second, and I’m left drained and stressed. Even when I try to put myself first, my friends and family treat it as if I’m acting different or being a bad person. Because of these effects, sometimes it’s hard for my family, friends and even significant other to understand that I need time to myself. They see my silence or alone time as me not caring about their needs and this leads me back into the cycle of putting myself second so that they are satisfied. I feel drained and underappreciated because I continually have to sacrifice my needs for theirs and they don’t appreciate that. To stay stress free, I listen to music, pray to god, and even dance my worries away. In addition, there are people around me who I can reach out to that always give me advice and provide me with the support necessary to be emotionally satisfied.
The social and psychological factors that have led me to act this way is my parents divorce, being the oldest child in my family and the pressures placed on me by my cultural background. It takes a lot for me to emotionally invest my feelings because I’m so focused on making sure that the other person is satisfied. Seeing my parents divorce affected my ability to emotionally be myself in my own relationships because I am afraid that the same result may occur. As result, I strive to please the other individuals needs as much as possible, so that they will always be satisfied. If the other person is angered or disappointed overstretch myself to make sure the other individual is happy. However, I should not place such a burden on myself at such a young age. Since I have been able to mature and live independently on my own at college I have been able to recognize that this behavior is unhealthy and is not good for my mental health.
To be able to change this behavior, it is going to take a lot of self-reflection and self-care to nurture and appreciate myself. To successfully change this behavior, I need to step back from my relationships and analyze before moving on to the next steps I will take. The first step will be to examine how the relationship started. The second step will be to ask myself, am I afraid of not living to other person’s expectations? According to Dr. Brenner (2017), people may very well comfortable with expecting you to be available for them time after. If I can use this step to change my availability towards people, I won’t overextend myself. The third step will be to understand if what I’m doing to for other person in my relationship is worth it or if I’m just people pleasing. Because we sometimes lose our perspective about how much and how often we give up ourselves to the point where there is no healthy balance in the relationship, according to Dr. Brenner (2017). The fourth step will be to take care of myself and my needs first because they are just as important as the other individual’s in the relationship. The fifth step will be to assess what my needs and priorities truly are. According to Dr. Brenner, we sometimes jump in and agree to do things for other people without consciously stopping to think about if it is worth it. The sixth step will be to understand and choose how much I would like to individually please people because it is impossible to please everyone. It will be hard for me to follow through with this step because I really strive to see everyone as equally important. The last step will be to learn how to say no, to allow myself to have the time and energy to do the things that make me feel good without worrying about taking care of others, fulfilling others’ demands, and worrying what others think of me. Being able with communicate with myself why I choose this friend, why I give so much energy in this relationship, are they providing the same energy that I am, do I see myself overstretching just to satisfy their needs will really help me to determine first, if they are a true friend and second if it is worth having them in my life. I think my plan will be very effective because not only is it helping me gain a sense of self but it is also helping me realize that putting their needs before mine is negatively affecting me. I know that I can accomplish these steps because I have written it down on paper and learned to always step back and reflect on where I want to go and how my relationships are amongst the people who are in my life. It will be hard to measure these changes because all the steps are subjective, but if I can add or create a rating system on how my mind and body feels each day to the steps above it will help me to keep track of my results. In addition, to show that my plan will work I will ask my close friends how I have been acting around them and how well my interactions are with people that usually drain my time and energy. The timeline to accomplish this starts now and everyday until I can be able to emotionally well-rounded and happier without feeling overstressed or drained. I will record how I feel each day to see my development through writing or typing it on paper. Once I learn how to truly value myself, I will be able to help others in a way that honors and respects each person.