Spiteful Vampires
A script by Bianca Reed
EXT. MIAMI BEACH – AFTERNOON
Helpful waitress MS SALLY JONES is arguing with funny tradie MR ZAC MACNTOSH. SALLY tries to hug ZAC but she shakes her off.
SALLY
Please Zac, don't leave me.
ZAC
I'm sorry Sally, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
SALLY
I am such a person!
ZAC frowns.
ZAC
I'm sorry, Sally. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
ZAC leaves.
SALLY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, caring waitress MS MICHELLE THUNDER barges in looking flustered.
SALLY
Goodness, Michelle! Is everything okay?
MICHELLE
I'm afraid not.
SALLY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense…
MICHELLE
It's … a vampires … I saw an evil vampires suck blood out of them a bunch of children!
SALLY
Defenseless children?
MICHELLE
Yes, defenseless children!
SALLY
Bloomin' heck, Michelle! We've got to do something.
MICHELLE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
SALLY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
MICHELLE
I was…
MICHELLE fans herself and begins to wheeze.
SALLY
Focus Michelle, focus! Where did it happen?
MICHELLE
Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right – Quality Cafe, Los Angeles!
SALLY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS
SALLY rushes along the street, followed by MICHELLE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES – SHORTLY AFTER
LAURA BUTTERSCOTCH a spiteful vampires terrorises two children.
SALLY, closely followed by MICHELLE, rushes towards LAURA, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
MICHELLE
What is is? What's the matter?
SALLY
That's not just any old vampires, that's Laura Butterscotch!
MICHELLE
Who's Laura Butterscotch?
SALLY
Who's Laura Butterscotch? Who's Laura Butterscotch? Only the most spiteful vampires in the universe!
MICHELLE
Blinkin' knickers, Sally! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful vampires in the universe!
SALLY
You can say that again.
MICHELLE
Blinkin' knickers, Sally! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful vampires in the universe!
SALLY
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
Laura turns and sees Sally and Michelle. She grins an evil grin.
LAURA
Sally Jones, we meet again.
MICHELLE
You've met?
SALLY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…
EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME
A young SALLY is sitting in a park listening to some aussie rap music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees LAURA. She takes off her headphones.
LAURA
Would you like some hazelnut chocolate?
SALLY's eyes light up, but then he studies LAURA more closely, and looks uneasy.
SALLY
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
LAURA
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful vampires in the world.
SALLY
Wait, you're a vampires?
SALLY runs away, screaming.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES – PRESENT DAY
LAURA
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
MICHELLE
(To SALLY) You ran away?
SALLY
(To MICHELLE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SALLY turns to LAURA.
SALLY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SALLY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
SALLY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back – with stakes.
LAURA
I'm not scared of you.
SALLY
You should be.
INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND – LATER THAT DAY
SALLY and MICHELLE walk around searching for something.
SALLY
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
MICHELLE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
SALLY
You know nothing Michelle Thunder.
MICHELLE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, LAURA appears, holding a pair of stakes.
LAURA
Looking for something?
MICHELLE
Crikey, Sally, she's got your stakes.
SALLY
Tell me something I don't already know!
MICHELLE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
SALLY
I know that already!
MICHELLE
im afraid of little kids.
LAURA
(appalled) Dude!
While LAURA is looking at MICHELLE with disgust, SALLY lunges forward and grabs her deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
SALLY
Prepare to die, you spiteful potato!
LAURA
No please! All I did was suck blood out of them a bunch of children!
ZAC enters, unseen by any of the others.
SALLY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that's me! Sally Jones defender of innocent children.
LAURA
Don't hurt me! Please!
SALLY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
LAURA
Because Sally, I am your mother.
SALLY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
SALLY
No you're not!
LAURA
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
LAURA tries to grab the stakes but SALLY dodges out of the way.
SALLY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, LAURA slumps to the ground.
MICHELLE
Did she just faint?
SALLY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
SALLY crouches over LAURA's body.
MICHELLE
Be careful, Sally. It could be a trick.
SALLY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Laura Butterscotch is dead!
SALLY
What?
SALLY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
MICHELLE claps her hands.
MICHELLE
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
ZAC steps forward.
ZAC
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful vampires?
SALLY
Zac how long have you been…?
ZAC puts her arm around SALLY.
ZAC
Long enough.
SALLY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Laura Butterscotch.
ZAC
Then the children are safe?
SALLY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.
ZAC
You are their hero.
The children bow to SALLY.
SALLY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Laura Butterscotch will never suck blood out of them children ever again, is enough for me.
ZAC
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the children passes SALLY a stunning ring
ZAC
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
SALLY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
SALLY
Well, if you insist.
SALLY takes the ring.
SALLY
Thank you.
The children bow their heads once more, and leave.
SALLY turns to ZAC.
SALLY
Does this mean you want me back?
ZAC
Oh, Sally, of course I want you back!
SALLY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
SALLY
Well you can't have me.
ZAC
WHAT?
SALLY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampires to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
ZAC
But…
SALLY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Michelle.
MICHELLE grins.
ZAC
But…
MICHELLE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
ZAC
Sally?
SALLY
I'm sorry Zac, but I think you should skidaddle.
ZAC leaves.
MICHELLE turns to SALLY.
MICHELLE
Did you mean that? You know … that I'm your best friend?
SALLY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly MICHELLE stops.
MICHELLE
When I said im afraid of little kids, you know I was just trying to distract the vampires don't you?
THE END