Heteronormative expectations are a huge cause of the problems that queer people are faced with. Especially when creating relationships and their families. Heteronormativity creates this notion of heterosexualism being the “correct” way to identify and any other identification differing from it, is deemed as deviant. Queer people are constrained by being stigmatized and marginalized (Parenting Issues). The assumed heterosexuality that is extremely common within our society. Being able to identify with a category outside of the norm of being heterosexual can lead to bullying. The bullying can stem from the homophobia and transphobia that is socially learned from other people due to the normativity of heterosexuality. The author Mezey argues that untraditional gender expressions and sexualities can lead others to isolate and discriminate against LGBT identified persons.
The way heterosexuality is normalized causes people, even of the queer community, to internalize these heterosexual expectations. Within same sex relationships, amongst women who identify as lesbians for example these norms and gender roles are shown through the roles played by women who identify as being “butch” and those who identify as being “femme.” Women who are considered butch can be seen always holding the door for femme partners, maybe even paying for the dinners when they go out, such as a man would in a heterosexual relationship. In relationships were a person or people identify as trans, the ciswoman can be found doing more household work than the transman. This is reinforcing the typical heterosexual norm of a woman doing more household work than the man, conforming to gender expectations (Heteronormativity, in trans relationships).
Even in the wedding ceremonies within the queer community, the constraints of heterosexuality are visible. Although some queer people do participate in a private ceremony, with less “restrictions/traditions” followed as other weddings some queer people participate in. These weddings have been referred to as white weddings. White weddings reveal the constraints placed upon queer relationships and they way they have assimilated to the heterosexual norms. The attire in these white weddings follow the typical heterosexual weddings. “Heteronormativity created queer white weddings.” These couples want to be socially accepted and therefore they are conforming by presenting themselves as what society considers “normal.” Men who usually challenge masculine expectations, have conformed during their weddings by wearing tuxedos. Lesbians are seen to do their best to fit the image of a bride and groom, one wearing a tuxedo and another a dress. (Same-sex commitment ceremonies)
Furthermore, there are other boundaries placed upon queer people due to heteronormativity. There are other establishments that perpetuate these heteronormative ideals such as health care, the workplace, the legal system and more. Queer people are also constrained by heteronormative expectations through the restriction of not being able to get legally married and reap benefits of being married as well (Situating Queer Families). The Defense of Marriage Act is a powerful and clear limitation placed amongst the LGBT family, which aimed to make sure that marriage was between a man and woman. A lack of health care, and/or being able to find doctors that educated in queer issues. The issue of affording the expensive treatment for trans/ gender variant children. As people of different sexualities grow up worrying about being discriminated in the workplace is another valid worry. Other medical related issues that are limiting queer people are the methods of procreating. The idea of adoption, surrogacy or insemination, for example can sometimes reveal the internalized ideas of heteronormativity when some queer people want to be sure to get a surrogate or a child that can resemble either or both parents (Parenthood: LGBT Parents). The idea of needing the biological connection in order to love and genuinely care for the child reinforces heterosexual views. The extreme prices or time consumptions needed for these procedures also reveal the way society itself makes it more difficult for queer people to build these relationships and families. As argued by Mezey LGBT identified people have reported higher rates of depression and self-harm which confirms the strict limitations that are socially placed on those of the LGBT community due to the strong belief of heterosexuality as the dominant and correct way of identifying one’s self.
Heteronormativity produces specific gender roles and expectations and when some people go against those norms they experience different issues in many aspects of their lives. Heteronormativity produces specific gender roles and expectations, along with an assumed sexuality, because of this it can be difficult to meet the needs of your child wanting to set out of those boundaries as well as keeping their safety in mind. Also keep the level of acceptance from other people in mind it can be difficult. Some schools are more tolerant of the idea of children challenging the conventional gender norms. The issue of passing and posing is another thing to keep in mind the idea of passing, whether as an individual or as people in relationship and family. LGBT youth fear homophobia that they might encounter on a daily basis, which leads them to either purposely not disclosing their sexuality or just passively not mentioning it or conforming the fact (Welsh).
Parents can also be put in difficult situations of accepting their child’s unconventional gender expressions or attempting to change their mindset in order to protect them. LGBT youth can face depression, anxiety, bullying, school failure, self-harm/suicide, homophobia, transphobia, and it can disconnect the family relationships (Lev). The high risk of self harm and suicide are not to be taken lightly, the internalized homophobia due to our socialization can make it much more difficult for LGBT youth to be comfortable with their own sexual identities.
When trying to meet the needs of the children it can also be very difficult. Even trying to educate yourself as a parent can sometimes be difficult due to a lack of resources and/or awareness that are available to better educate people on these different types of situations. LGBT youth with heterosexual parents can be challenging due to the fact that some heterosexual parents can not “emotionally equipped” to help their children embrace the unconventional feelings they are experiencing. The discrimination and verbal or physical harm can come from others but it can also begin and be the main source from their own house. (Youth Coming to Terms with LGBT Identities). A lack of emotional and family support can be one of the most detrimental for LGBT youth. Some have even resulted to sex work due to the severity of their situations. Many LGBT youth also result in homelessness due to their sexual identities. There is also a lack of acceptance amongst different shelters in different cities for LGBT identified people. The self-hatred that can stem from the exclusion the LGBT youth experiences can result in academic failure as well as substance abuse. “LGBT youth are almost 3 times more likely report substance abuse including an earlier use of alcohol, than their heterosexual peers” (Youth Coming to Terms with LGBT Identities).
LGBT youth must also deal with the society norms that are held amongst their peers about masculinity and femininity and conforming to those norms. LGBT youth experience “Confusion, feel misunderstood, internalize hostility, and worry about their future. (Youth Coming to Terms with LGBT Identities). There can also be distinctions amongst the LGBT youth community. Although all who can identify with this community are combating the gender identities, those who identify as LGB can still identify with the gender assigned to them at birth, which is not the case for those who identify are trans. For trans youth, growing up and trying to hide these truths can be much more difficult. Using hormone blockers or enhancers can be the solution for some when growing up, although not everyone can be financially capable to access these methods.
The traditional idea of family has been transitioning in definition the recent years. The typical family within our society would be a man and woman and their children. A heterosexual outlook on life allows us to have this strict definition of what family is. People of different sexualities and beliefs are able to construct their own types of families. There are many different varieties of types of families today. Besides the traditional monogamous relationships there are non-monogamy, consensual monogamy, open relationships, polygamy, swinging, and kink (Alternative Families).
Being that these family structures are challenging heterosexual family norms they do face several unique issues. The stigmas that are automatically placed on these various types of families can contribute to their isolation, acceptance, and discrimination within different institutions such as within schools, when they have children, within the workplace and in general social settings. Society predominantly believes in monogamous relationships even though many people engage in unethical behavior such as cheating. There are other relationships such as polygamous (that can have different variations, structures, limitations, etc.) ones that are open and honest about their relations with other people and are secure and aware of their position in a person’s life. (Alternative Families)
Dealing with jealousy amongst partners can be a difficult and is a unique issue people of alternative families must deal with. In Bergstrand and Blevins-Sinksi: “Swinging’s Effect on Marriage”, the type of jealousy that are going on was varied. Men claimed their wives were enjoying themselves a bit more due to their surrounding popularity. On the other hand women were afraid of their husbands creating an emotional bond with another woman. Although there may be some issues that come into play with alternative families and couples trying the swingers lifestyle, unhappy marriages did report to be much happier post swinging.
On a show shown on TLC a woman with two male partners gave her partner for longer years an alternative of either having a baby with her or she would have a baby with her most recent partner. They all lived in the same house and were aware of the relationship because it was an open honest relationship. Although the older partner rejected the initial idea, he did not want to lose either of them over this situation. In this case it was a unique issue because the woman had the opportunity to simply go to the next partner to get what she wanted. Luckily things did work out smoothly and turned out to work for the better of the child and the family as a whole. With three parents they were able to all spend time with the child and for him to be watched over while two of the other partners attended their jobs.
An issue that can come along with having children can be explaining the relationship and family structure to the child after they begin to realize the differences in their family and with their family in comparison with the traditional heterosexual monogamous families. Simply introducing the alternative family structure that one has can be difficult when meeting new people, within the workplace, and even to the rest of your family and friends. The ability to “pass” can contribute to the battle of disclosing the personal information about the type of family structure a person might be a part of, being able to avoid the marginalization and judgment by others, especially those with a lack of knowledge and acceptance, can be an issue faced by those within alternative families. (Alternative Families) The personal debate between allowing yourself to pass or not is not feeling proud of the people you love and consider your family. Such as in the short interview “Accept Love – PolyFamily”, Josh and his three woman partners can be perceived in a negative light and viewed as a man just wanting to engage in sexual activities with these women. They do have emotional attachments and a special type of openness in their relationship that a lot of people would not understand, nor accept. These types of families are going against many societal norms and it can lead to judgment and discrimination.