Faiza Ali
PHE 335 U- Human Sexuality
December 02, 2018
* This interview was written with permission from my dear friend, Wade.*
For the final project, I chose to interview my friend Wade. Wade and I met during our senior capstone course and instantly clicked. We had several discussions on sex and sexuality in class as well as outside of class in which we shared a lot of personal experiences prior to the interview. When the term started, I was very nervous in the sense that this course as it was way out of my comfort zone, as I later come to find out it was the same for Wade. During the class introduction Wade, sat in the back, nervously shaking their leg, wiping the palms of their hands on their jeans as the introduction was going around. Their body language clearly ridden with nerves, however, when they spoke it was as if another person was in their place. Wade (the last name is withheld for confidentiality) shared that they were 45 years old vet, and was taking this course to give back as well as to learn. I didn’t understand what they were referring to at the time. Their pronouns are they, their, them. They also shared their views on sexuality and the many things we topics we discussed in this class throughout the term.
Wade is a very knowledgeable person and I’ve gained a lot of insights from my interview with them. One of the many things I learned about Wade is that they are gay. They said discovering that they were gay was life-changing. They grew up in a strict religious family, living paycheck to paycheck in a trailer park. Growing up in a poor family was difficult for Wade even more so in a religious one. They at the time did the only thing they could; enrolled in the army and served for 10 years. They married his high school sweetheart, as it was expected of them. Had two children, and was at constant battle with themselves throughout the majority of their
life. They said they even went as far as to enroll themselves into a conversion therapy camp with their church, leading their symptoms of depression to worsen. Wade said it wasn’t till they were in their 30’s that they started to accept themselves. They went back to university for a change of career and life. It was there that they met their partner. Wade said that being married to a bisexual man definitely changed some of their views on sexuality. They mentioned that bisexuals are sometimes mocked in our society, as we view sexuality to be a rigid black and white thing rather than a spectrum. Wade hadn’t known their husband was bisexual until a few months into their relationship. Wade reflected on their journey with their husband and how their view on their relationship changed once he came out to them. Wade and I share a lot of the same views on sex and sexuality. Many of their responses had me nodding and snapping. This made me reflect on my personal experiences with sexuality.
As a child, I didn’t really think about sexuality or gender. I didn’t think I had to identify myself as a girl to see me as one, and I never thought about what my experiences as a woman would be like when I got older. Being the oldest in a very religious and conservative immigrant family, I never had the “talk” with any of my parents. Even when I got my period at the age of 14, later than many of my peers, my mother never told me anything about sexuality or my changing body. She did, however, tell me that when a girl reaches a certain age, she starts to menstruate and it happens every month; it was nothing to be afraid of. That was of course after my mini break down in thinking I was bleeding to death. I was extremely terrified that I was dying or that I was bleeding internally and my body was starting to leak (I was waiting for blood to come out of every opening). Although my talk with my mom calmed down my nerves ( and temporary fear of death), it didn’t answer a lot of the questions I had. This was the earliest message I got from my parents (and my Muslim community in general) that sex and sexuality were off-limits in our conversations. My experiences of learning about something as important as sex or sexuality or
puberty come from books, fan fiction, Tumblr, friends and a few lectures in high school made me realize how important it is for parents to teach their kids about sex as early as possible. I don’t think we should shield kids from it. Puberty classes like the ones Julie Metzger offers can be really awkward for young kids but very necessary (Rochman, 2015). I know if I were able to have a candid and uncensored conversation about sex and puberty with my parents when I was young, I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere to get answers.
Growing up, I never talked about sex and even now, I sometimes whisper the word sex when I say it aloud. As a Muslim, it is forbidden for me to engage in premarital sexual activities. Many people in the Muslim community (especially parents of teens and young adults) never talk about sex because they consider it to be something that is private, something that can only be discussed by two married adults. However, many teens and young adults in our community have a lot of questions about sex and sexuality and oftentimes turn to misleading sources (media, TV shows, movies) to get the answer to those questions. I was someone who looked to the internet to get answers to my own questions about sexuality and while I had a lot of misconceptions, I gained some knowledge that allowed me to reflect on my own sexuality and sexual orientation. Being so lost about a part of your identity and being told to not seek the answers to your questions was difficult. It was being told to deny an important part of yourself.
Many of my values concerning sexuality come from values in my religion as a Muslim. My values are also heavily influenced by my east African culture. The interview I did with Wade outlined just how much of my values come from my culture. Wade told me that their parents, especially their father never allowed the discussion of sex and sexuality in their home. It was not something needed to discuss. I could relate to this. I couldn’t even bring up sex in front of my parents as a teenager (much less engage in it) and that is very common among my Somali friends. I realize that this is also the norm in many other cultures, and even in our own American
society. I believed that sex should come with marriage. In Islam, the institution of marriage is very sacred. Another thing that is very sacred is our bodies and what we do with them (including prayer or giving birth, and of course, sex). I have also developed values that are heavily influenced by the society that I live in. I value consent and protection and birth control and letting people have total control over what they do with their bodies. My values changed with age and education.
I never thought about some of these values until recently, and especially until I started taking this class. Consent is a value that I never thought of before. I assumed it was something that was assumed between both parties, not something that needed to be discussed. However, I understand its importance now but is something I advocate for. It might be because of the articles I read in this class or the recent wave of sexual abuse victims speaking up about what they endured, but I have recently come to think consent as something that is integral in teaching people (especially the young ones) about sexuality. When I thought of consent, I thought of it as just saying yes. I learned that it’s more than that. Consent has to be mutual, continuous, and clear (Smith, 2014). Consent is something that is integral to every sexual relationship (regardless of the nature of that relationship) and I am so glad I got to focus on it a little more this term.
While speaking with Wade, I asked them what they would change about the way people perceive their relationship with their husband, who is an openly bisexual man. Wade told me that many times people perceive bisexual men as just gay men in the closet or that he would be like the many men who have long relationships with women who come out of the closet as gay men later on in their lives ( and vise-versa). On the other hand, people have also told them that their husband was straight and in their own words, “needed to stop using the LGBT community and label since he doesn’t face any discrimination”. Wade told me how these accusations have
had some impact on their relationship. Even within the LGBTQ2+ community, there are people who deny bisexual people, as well as trans people. Wade said that they wish people would stop telling them who their husband was.
This made me reflect on the article “What is Bisexuality? Who is Bisexual?” (Labriola, n.d.). For a while, I did not understand what is bisexuality, and if someone who is bisexual in a relationship with a woman or man, their relationship is viewed in society as being in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. I actually didn’t know the correct definition of bisexual until I saw it being defined as “a person who is emotionally, physically, and/or sexually attracted to members of more than one gender” on the Terminology and Definitions document from the Queer Resource Center (PSU Queer Resource Center: Terminology and Definitions, 2017). I know that there are many people who have the same opinions as I previously did and I understood how damaging it could be after interviewing Wade. Wade also told me that their husband didn’t come out to his family until a few years after they got married. I especially noted something they said that stuck with me. They said “We both struggled with our identities all our lives. It took him a while to come to terms with his identity, like me and he knew that if he came out to people while he was married to a gay man, they would undo everything he did on his own for so long.” We don’t realize how much of our words affect people and just how deeply that effect can go.
When I read that the term bisexual can be its own umbrella with many other terms like alternating bisexuals or circumstantial bisexuals (Labriola, n.d.), I realized that Wade’s husband could fall under any category. I too also fell under two categories. Wade also told me that people who call their husband straight when he tells them he is bisexual think they are complimenting him. They don’t actually know that they are disregarding his whole identity as a bisexual person. This reminded me of a question on the Heterosexual privilege checklist, “I don’t
have to defend my heterosexuality,” (“Heterosexual privilege checklist”, n.d.). I never had to defend my perceived heterosexuality, unlike Wade’s husband who has to defend his bisexuality simply because he married a gay man and is in a seemingly homosexual relationship.
This interview with Wade has helped put into perspective many things that I have given a lot of thought during the entirety of this class. Before this term, I had a lot of problematic views on things that I never necessarily meant to have but had nonetheless. There are many people in our society who have worse views, even dangerous opinions, on things that can directly affect marginalized communities like the LGBTQ2+ community. We as a society need to let go of the discrimination, and prejudice we hold against those who are different from us. Especially those who use their religion as an excuse to mistreat others. If religion is making you a bad person, you are not following it correctly. We need to move towards educating ourselves and addressing important matters such as basic human rights ( to housing, education, marriage, adoption, etc…), birth control, consent, the gender wage gap, etc.. in order to have a more educated and healthier society. Another important matter we need to address is breaking the prejudice and stereotype that is held around sex and sexuality and start educating ourselves and others on it at a younger age. I know I am starting young with my future kids in creating a safe space where this on ongoing discussion can take place. I simply hope our society will also have this by then.