When approaching the age of adolescence, it is familiar to most that sexual intercourse plays a vital role in helping us know more about ourselves and assists our premature lustful explorations of another’s body. In the second lecture, we learnt about the philosophical views of happiness, and specifically under the context of the Hedonistic perspective as suggested by Epicurus, all forms of pleasure and desires, or the avoidance of pain in general, creates a higher level of happiness for oneself and others. Sex is a natural instinct, the biological tendency that creates such instinct is an intrinsic development that is meant for the betterment of our psychological well-being. As a teenager myself, I was brought up with the concept that pleasure is a sin, it is an inscribed warning that reminds us the perils of sex and masturbation. But under the prospect of positive psychology and science, sex is in fact of paramount importance in shaping our need of satisfaction and happiness.
Sexual intercourse promotes the intimacy between partners. One of the major components suggested in the Theory of Well-being by Dr. Martin Seligman, is relationships. We tend to enhance our well-being and share it with others by building strong relationships. Whilst relationship seems like such a broad topic, it is inevitable that there is an element of lust in between. The affection between two people can be sustained in so many ways, yet in one way or another having sex strengthens the element of bonding in a relationship. The Triangular Theory of Love by Robert Sternberg, as shown in Figure 1, gives us an in-depth description of how romance works in a successful relationship. Sternberg views love as an emotion, and the triangle is a graphic representation of this as he divides love into seven different forms; non-love, liking, infatuated, empty, romantic, companionate, fatuous and consummate love. Each of these components contain a specified meaning of love, yet consummate love proves to be the most complete form, representing “an ideal relationship that people strives towards” (Sternberg, 1998). Consummate love is a perfect mixture of intimacy, passion, and commitment, it is the most satisfying and ideal kind of adult relationship since it conveys all pieces of the triangle into unity. Sternberg himself suggests that couples in a consummate relationship “will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else” (Sternberg, 1987). He stresses the importance of expression in a long-term relationship, and the key in the maintenance of romance lies in the translation of love into action. This “action” can mean a lot of things, but the most direct and physical form is through sexual intercourse.
Figure 1 Triangular Theory of Love by Robert Sternberg
Achieving a relationship of consummate love leads us to a better psychological well-being, and sex is a crucial ingredient in brewing a consummate relationship. But in fact, it is not only due to the actual sexual intercourse that makes us a happier individual, it is also because of all the hugging and cuddling during sex. A recent study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin done by psychologists in Switzerland and Canada concludes that the main reason why sex seems to be such a big contribution to long happy relationships is because of all the physical expressions of affection (i.e. cuddling, hugging, kissing) during, before and after sex (Jarrett, 2017). The study interviewed groups of over 400 people that are apparently in a relationship. They were all asked questions involving topics such as how often they have sex, how much affectionate touch (i.e. sexual sounds, kissing, humping, caressing) they had in their relationships etc. The overall implications from the results they received from the survey is that more sex promotes more affection between partners, and that is what essentially creates more happiness. The intimate connections two human beings have during sex is different from any other regular connections we can get from conversations or friendships, the physical linkage of two bodies is seen as a sort of deeper romance, it is providing meaning to the existing love between two people. As Anik Debrot from the University of Fribourg who undertook the study expresses, “When engaging in sex, people do not only seek an intimate connection, but indeed experience more affection. Hence sex seems not only beneficial because of its physiological or hedonic effects, but because it promotes a stronger and more positive connection with the partner” (Jarrett, 2017).
Sex also correlates to happiness under the context of sleep. A good night of sleep helps facilitate our body’s usage of insulin, which is an energy storage hormone, and helps our body’s breakdown of fatty acids and lipids, both bringing our daily intake of calories to good use and helps with our weight maintenance, hence boosts our personal confidence and self-esteem. Better sleep can also help us enhance happiness through reducing stress levels. If your body doesn’t get enough sleep, it can react by producing an elevated level of stress hormones, which are a natural result of today’s faster paced lifestyles. Deep and regular sleep can help prevent this. In a dozen other ways sleep can help us refine our psychological well-being, and sex is a fine catalyst for achieving a good night of sleep. Australian sleep researcher Dr. Michele Lastella has formed a study on such topic, and found that 64% of her participants slept better when they had sex before bedtime (DiNuzzo, 2017). But for sexual intercourse to directly inflict good quality sleep, the trick is that both partners have to reach the point of orgasm. Lastella interviewed 460 participants within the age of 18 to 70, and discovered that two-thirds of them slept better after having an orgasm, and resulted in better moods in the morning after. According to the report of Psychology Today, sexual intercourse help boosts the production of oxytocin, an anxiety easing hormone, and decreases the production levels of cortisol, a stress inducing hormone. This allow our bodies to achieve a prolonged relaxed state, making it easier for us to fall asleep (McNamara, 2011). Similarly, simply having physical contact with your loved ones can provide feelings of security and safety, which helps promote the betterment of sleep and happiness as well.
Sexual happiness does not necessarily happen under the medium of actual sex. It can also be defined as the freedom of expressing love and intimacy within the relationship, this allow both partners to be able to have the opportunity to give and express love equally. In other words, sexual happiness is the product of a consummate relationship. One of the web’s most renowned couple’s therapy advise forums GoAskSuzie.com suggests that there are several key elements in the pursuit of sexual happiness. We have to first recognize that this form of happiness is not solely found in sex itself, but also in the relationship, meaning not everything is limited to sexual activities. Sexual happiness should not be mechanical, it should be an emotional experience where it is not a result of lust, but of spiritual intimacy. The ultimate key should be the trust between the two persons, and how they choose to express that trust to each other. By achieving such ideal, we will be able to see the obvious linkage between sex and happiness.
To substantiate the above, the University of Canterbury from New Zealand once did a survey and interviewed a total of 173 people to rate the things they do every single day from what’s meaningful and gives them the most pleasure, to what annoys them the most. The “chief happiness producer”, as in the top-rated thing that gives the participants the most pleasure, is sex. This is followed by drinking and partying, volunteering, playing with pets or children, and religious activities. The extent to which sex can make you happy and pleased, however, depends very much on our personal and cultural values. Ever since coming to university, I have seen so many people that agrees with the point of view that promiscuity is cool, and that the more sex you have with different people the happier you will get. This is wrong on so many levels, and is direct proof of the Paradox of Hedonism, or the pleasure paradox. It states that constant pleasure seeking may not yield the most actual pleasure in the long run or even in the short run, since when consciously pursuing pleasure intervenes with experiencing it. According to a research conducted by the Carnegie Mellon University, more sex might be the equivalence of less happiness. 128 participants were asked to double their frequency of having sex each week with their partners for three months. The results of this study, is that all participants actually report a decrease in both happiness and satisfaction levels from sexual intercourse (Sollee, 2016). Then how can we reach an optimum level of healthy sex? An article written by Bustle suggest that the “sweet spot” of sexual activity frequency is once a week. This will satisfy our natural instincts and needs on a regular basis, but at the same time keeps us in a healthy routine that does not exceed our capacities (Kattalia, 2016).
In order to attain sexual happiness depends not simply on the sex, but also the relationship itself. To put everything into perspective, researchers Tamar Krishnamurti and George Loewenstein agrees that in the right ways and with the right methods, having sexual intercourse does benefit a couple’s happiness in the long run, according to an article from BigThink. But it is never just about having more and more sex, it is also about creating an ideal environment of love and intimacy, that both partners could initiate and enjoy (Shoemaker, 2017). As Krishnamurti explains, “the desire to have sex decreases much more quickly than the enjoyment of sex once it's been initiated. Instead of focusing on increasing sexual frequency to the levels they experienced at the beginning of a relationship, couples may want to work on creating an environment that sparks their desire and makes the sex that they do have even more fun.” In other words, to view sex as an effective happy pill, we first have to acquire a successful, happy relationship. Sex is only a way of sustaining the romance between two people, relying too much on it creates a series of opposite results.
To wrap up the previous discussions, sex has its up and down sides in the process of acquiring sexual happiness. Personally, I do believe sex can bring liveliness to a long-term relationship. I see a lot of my friends whose parents have sex on a frequent schedule, even after the age of retirement. I will not blindly describe their relationship as “perfect” or “ideal”, but when compared to those couples that I know who refuse to have sexual intercourse once in a while, they are definitely more approachable and lively. I am merely a year 1 student, and with sex as something that I have not yet experienced, I cannot speak from a firsthand perspective of how it betters me in my psychological and mental areas. I have always known that sex is beneficial to everyone, and it is something that everybody needs. But as I was researching for this paper and writing everything down, I have realized that in order to achieve genuine happiness, the environment and how we shape it is what contributes the most. This paper began with the hypothesis that sex, in both scientific and psychological ways, can allow us to become happier individuals. And to a certain extent this is correct, but sex with affection and genuine love proves a way stronger linkage to happiness than just sex alone. Particularly in the cases of married couples that has an obligatory bound to each other, sex maybe the key aspect that keeps them coupled, mostly because it makes them feel happier and more satisfied. In conclusion, to have sex because both of the partners want to is much more important than having sex because both of you feel like you have to. Why we have sex matters way more than how often we have sex. And by reaching a compromise between both partners, that is where the equilibrium between healthy sex and happiness exists.