Someone ran into relationship’s anxiety attack. She shared all her emotional baggage with her closest buddy, but when the trust between the two began to droop, the former went shattered.
I don’t become a Best Friend ‘subscriber’ or do I have a life time recipe to relish. It’s just that she chose me her therapist. She went nursed and healed. I was glad it led to fruition and in the counselor’s pedestal that I adorned temporarily, even I learned from her scars.
Be very careful of who you share your problem with, remember that not every friend that smile at you is your best friend. Kemmy Nola
Her ‘self-disclosure’ reposing trust in me brought us closer. I slipped into `reflective mode and arrived at a few insights on how to choose friends.
1. Observe keenly, Measure silently
It’s all good when friends hug, smile and exchange pleasantries. But these don’t always spell correct measure of our relationship. Many times these hugs are wrapped under a messy garb and are meant merely for public view. The once ‘ inseparables ‘ are now way apart! And it’s a sad outcome.
Guarding ourselves of the pitfalls much before it asked us to jump into a wound-well could save us.
2. Honk your brain
Even though a human eye can distinguish 500 shades of gray (Here, I refer to ‘gray’ as in ‘gray matter’ which represents regions of sensory perceptions, such as decision making, self control, emotions in our brain.). Unfortunately, nature has not designed it to differentiate the gray prints on friendship canvas and we land ourselves getting deceived and eventually run into a big hurt. Ironical, most of the times, this is served by our closest friends.
3. Beware of a Cuckoo’s call
Euripides Orestes states: “When one with honeyed words but evil mind persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.”
We should be able to assess those friends who look and act melodramatic and show excessive display and sound unrealistic. These friends with ‘honeyed’ repertoire are like cuckoos. (Cuckoos come from a class of Aves which deceive other birds to the extent that they raise their young ones by depositing their eggs in Magpie’s nests.) So, to navigate our “Cuckoo Social Web” the only way to come out successful is by keeping ourselves from excessive sweetness.
4. A Devil’s Advocate
List us lucky if we are able to choose a pragmatic friend. Some get fascinated by the incorrigible devil’s advocate. No matter what the situation is whether or not you have hired him this advocate would fight your case. Hire him not. This one wants to gain your quick friendship.
They would shield us without having a cerebral cover themselves. Act smart and gaze why someone is approaching at the lightening speed. Other than utility or pleasure there can’t be a third reason for this sycophant or boot-licker. There is a beautiful saying from The Wealth of Words. It says, “The true test of power is to disapprove those who admire you when they are wrong and to admire those who dislike you when they are right.”
5. Know and be known slowly.
This is the wisest step in my view. Wait for weeks, days, months, and may be years to really trust someone to be listed as a friend. Most of whom we categorize as friends is actually our acquaintances. In our parents’ generation, the warmth of friendship lasted for decades as against now when a 5minute meet up and we sign up someone a friend?!
In this rushed life friendships build quicker and break away as quickly. Just as our food tastes better when marinated and allowed to simmer so would our friendship taste if allowed to nurture. Similarly if we compare our present day friendship with our parental generation we learn that the friendship of those times was a seasoned relationship because those were the days of “ANGEETHI,” that lighted up with great effort but once lit it stayed all day and we the users of a microwave get our food cooked in minutes and may not be that healthy.
Fake friends are like autumn leaves, they're scattered everywhere. Author Unknown
6. CLING NOT
Once we’ve a friend, let us not latch on to him/her. It is as important to give space to others as we wish to have ours. Let us breathe with our own nostrils and allow him to do with his. Having our own room to inhale in our own space and receive fresh air would be wise.
7. Possess Not
The wisdom words of Rain Bojangles fit aptly here. ”The only thing you will ever possess is yourself.” It is good to allow new comers to join our established gang. We shouldn’t hobble and make it limited. A genuine friendship doesn’t suffer with the presence of others. We should not make a fortress that disallows others a gate crash and a welcome possible connect.
8. Don’t be an entity of a big herd.
I noticed that a ‘rat race’ prevails. Social media helps with that. This phenomenon definitely brings people together but somewhere it is a kind of “stoop down.”
This interesting scenario may mar the virtues we live with and often for a momentary pleasure or validation we might land up trading our originality.
This chaotic portrayal ends before it has started because the herd doesn’t know what it needs? In this hierarchy of choices they are a part of maddening crowd and don’t really know why they are running this race.
What we are actually looking for? Is it like seeking validation from people who are most talked about or with a distinct persona? Is it just a desire to win their association?
By and by all cats come to one place building the chaos. Who will herd the cats? It’s a big caution point especially when it lacked a pre-thought.
Question yourself
“Why a particular friend is important to me? In what way is she contributing to my happiness? Has she shown a positive support? What will I do to maintain that relation and how am I going to be helpful to her? “The answers will clear our mindset.”
In my view one should have’ super-sets,’ ‘sets and ‘’sub-sets’ of friends. Some should top the list and the rest a little lower in sequence. For instance: A few could fit well, just for a ladies kitty; others to hang out with at each other’s places. Some may be for ‘shop and hop’, and a handful to share a laugh.
However, listing your support system is very vital. A few must adorn our 3am list, for needs that may not fit elsewhere. By forming this kind of circle one never gets burned. Investing in multiple groups is a boon yet keeping a special friend is a bonus.
Found the friend? What next?
If we are really lucky to have “one” who fits the bills, it’s a great return on investment! We must save that for years and earn dividends! Let’s make our lists today. We would never know when we would need to refer to.
A constant touch is good but we can be good friends even if we seldom meet. We can be together even from a distance. Miles do not matter if hearts speak the same language. We must do something that strikes a great friendship. By being you and being honest are the most virtuous. Friendship will follow.
Be You
No relation thrives if we put pressure and lack genuineness. Let the closeness strike magically, come accidently and to be there permanently. It’s the most gratifying when it comes mutually. So, act because only actions make the heart grow fonder
It is good to presume that not all friendships stay forever. Like every relation this too has seasons. What is best today may not be so, tomorrow. We must take with a pinch of salt. We must adopt caution lines and keep reviewing silently
As long as a friendship is wholesome, we must keep it but just like footwear, if we need to mend it is wise to review and take a silent stock of changing trends on this dais.
According to DC Estrada: “To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. “
Cherish Friends
We cannot be friends unless we have at least one thing in common. That one thing could only be just a common thought, and that when nourished transitions from acquaintance to being friends. This bond may give us lows but an ample amount of highs also come from here.
It’s an uplifting relationship. We should not try to buy it by hook or crook but must enjoy this bond walking steadily and carefully. Once we know the rules of this trade we would never go wrong. We will find that what began on a note of caution has finally become a legendary bond.