Spring 2018
Domestic violence occurs when a person uses physical violence, threats, coercion, intimidation, stalking, isolation, emotional, sexual, and/or economic abuse to control their partner in a relationship (University of Michigan, 2009). However, Professor Marganski, a professor at LeMoyne College, has explained that domestic violence often repeats and increases in severity (2018). Domestic violence is an important issue, which shouldn’t be dismissed lightly. It is the first cause of injury to women in the United States, and 85% of the survivors are women assaulted by men. Over one third of emergency room admissions are related to intimate partner violence according to the National Institute of Justice (University of Michigan, 2009). Professor Marganski states that one in three women in the United States are physically abused by her partner at some point in her life (2018).
I believe it is unethical to blame the victim for staying in an abusive relationship. Since there are many misconceptions behind domestic violence the public has a misinformed view on domestic violence. This essay will discuss some misconceptions about victims of domestic violence and why they stay. For many individuals a simple response is, “Why didn’t she just leave?” It is not that easy and we should stop blaming the victim for staying because the consequences of leaving make staying seem like the best option. In this essay I will discuss findings in the text It Could Happen to Anyone, by Alyce D. LaViolette and Ola W. Barnett, which discusses common victim blaming statements and why it is not easy for the victim to just leave. Barnett and LaViolette also discuss and disprove some misconceptions involving the victims. A popular question they cover in their text is that many ask is why didn’t she just leave? What these individuals don’t understand is that it takes a lot for a victim to just leave. By asking this question individuals are actual victim blaming.
The definition of victim blaming is, “when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them,” (Ryan, 1971). Psychologist William Ryan first developed this term in his text, Blaming the Victim, where he described victim blaming as an ideology used to justify social injustice and racism. As the years have progressed this term has widened its definition to sexual assault and domestic violence victims. By individuals and institutions victim blaming, they are actually re-traumatizing the victim of abuse. Some examples of victim blaming are disbelieving the victim’s story, minimizing the severity of the attack, coming up with excuses for the abuser, reprimanding the victim, inappropriate post assault treatment, etc. Another way victims are re-traumatized is through court as well. If their case is brought to court the defense attorney may research the victim’s personal history and make them so uncomfortable they wish not to proceed with the trial (Ann, 1980). This is why it is unethical to ask the victim why they stayed in the abusive relationship. There are an unlimited amount of reasons why the victim has not left. This essay will dive into the most common and general reasons why victim’s do and cannot leave violent relationships.
One reason why victims continue to stay is that their abuser might be in control of their funds, causing them to have no way to support themselves without them, (Marganski, 2018). Marie Watts, a domestic violence survivor who has experienced financial abuse explains, “When you’re in love, you don’t think about that [Finances]. You don’t ever think that you’re going to be with somebody who doesn’t have your best interests at heart,” (Oran, 2017). The news media doesn’t often report on financial abuse in domestic violence cases because it is such a subtle method of control that individuals often overlook. In fact in 98% of domestic violence cases it actually occurs according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (Oran, 2017). It is hard for women who are in these abusive relationships to recognize that they are victims of financial abuse as well because it doesn’t leave a visible mark like physical violence does. It also doesn’t seem, “as bad,” as physical violence. However, it is just “as bad,” as physical abuse because it prohibits the woman from leaving the violent relationship (Oran 2017).
It starts out very subtly and in a way seems like your partner is doing it out of compassion for you. He could say, “I’m better at saving, so let’s put the money in my account,” or, “I’ll take care of the bills. You don’t have to worry about it,” (Shin, 2015). These phrases seem like qualities of a good partner; one who cares about you and your finances and will handle it for you. As time goes on however, the victim suddenly realizes she has no financial power. All of her money goes to her abuser, and he tracks every single penny that goes in and out to make sure nothing is missing. The victim suddenly realizes that she has absolutely no control over the finances and that no matter how bad things are she has no option to leave because she has no money. So when people say, “Why doesn’t she leave?” they don’t realize that it is actually incredibly hard for the victim because one of the many factors that makes her stay is the fact that she has no money.
Another factor that makes women stay in abusive relationships is fear. Women are seventy more times likely to be killed in the weeks after they leave the relationship (DVIP, 2016). In the documentary Sin by Silence the film discusses the term separation assault, which explains that the abuse doesn’t just end when the victim leaves. The term separation assault is defined as, “the particular type of attack on a woman’s body and volition that seeks to block her from leaving, retaliate for her departure, or forcible end the separation,” (Hardesty, 2002). This can include stalking, showing up to the new residence where the victim resides, attacking the victim at their new residence, and many more. These women are afraid because they have limited places to go. If their family supports them and they run there, their abuser most likely knows their location. Their abuser further can then stalk them at work and follow them on their daily routines. Also, if these victims try to go to a domestic violence shelter it is a good option but has many complications. There might not be enough space for them at the shelter; in Syracuse there are around 5 to 6 shelters including the Vera House which are often very full due to the limited rooms. With shelters as well there is a quick turn around time; they often want the women to be in and out very quickly. This might not give these victim’s enough time to get back on their feet and recover.
The fear for her own life is not the only fear that forces her to stay in this abusive relationship; the fear for her children or pets also can make victims stay with their abusers. Of the domestic violence cases reported, 25% of victims return to the abusive relationship because they don’t want to abandon their pets (Lizik, 2015). These individuals are afraid their abuser will hurt or kill their pet in their escape so they stay merely to keep their beloved companions alive. This poses another question and yet another example of victim blaming, “Why didn’t she bring the dog with her?” Shockingly less than 3% of domestic violence shelters accommodate pets (Lizik, 2015). If the victim were to give their pet to an animal shelter they may never see them ever again. This makes it incredibly tough for victims to leave because they care for their safety but also for the lives of their four-legged family members.
The fear for the safety of your children often keeps the victim from leaving. The abuser might threaten to kill or harm their children if the victim leaves. By using this manipulation technique it makes it extremely difficult for victims to leave without their families. A popular victim-blaming question that falls under this topic is, “Why doesn’t she bring them with her?” That is a great thought except it is nearly impossible. For every one domestic violence shelter there are three animal shelters (Marganski, 2018). There are not many domestic violence shelters out there for victims and their families to flee too. Most of them don’t have much room either and can’t accept families. For example, in Syracuse, New York there is a shelter for victims called the Chadwick residence. The Chadwick residence has only five family rooms for women with up to two young children (under age 16) (Mulder, 2002). We can see that there is limited room for the families of abuse; and they run the risk of escaping and then being turned away because there are no rooms. Families can also be turned away because of disabilities or special living requirements. A lot of shelters might not have the resources to be able to care for someone with special requirements and therefore they cannot stay at the shelter.
Another misconception of domestic violence explained by LaViolette and Barnett is that victims can turn to their religion or priest for help and guidance. However a study by Alsdurf shows that clergy’s beliefs reflect an acceptance of patriarchal practices (1985). Twenty of the twenty-two participants said the abusers should accept the responsibility but the victim should also bear some responsibility. The same percentage of participants also said that divorce should be the last resort (Alsdurf, 1985). This shows us that if a victim came to the church for help, they would encourage her to go back and work things out. They would also instill some sort of blame on her causing her to believe this is her fault. While many believe there are people out there, resources, or trusted individuals for these victims to reach out to, they might not always get the most helpful response. Religious beliefs and guidance from those who follow the rules of religion can make women feel like they shouldn’t leave and that they need to work on things.
Another issue that LaViolette and Barnett cover in their text is that the victim believes that they’re the root cause of this anger. A common trait of abusers is to be charming; this is how they initially sweep the victim off their feet. When the abuser then turns violent, the victim believes it is their fault. Thoughts that often go through victims’ minds are, “He was so sweet I must’ve upset him,” or, “I was the one who made him angry, he wasn’t angry before me.” Also, abusers are very charming with their peers; they often are everyone’s favorite person at a group event. The victim then believes it is her fault because he gets along with everyone else. The victim sees how happy he is socializing with everyone else and immediately blames the anger as her fault. Also the victim sees that he can get angry with others such as his boss but not hurt them. They then believe that they are the reason why he is abusive because with everyone else he can control his anger and pain.
Another example of this mind manipulation is that abusers trick their victims into thinking there is something wrong with their mind. In the movie Sins by Silence it explained that the victim would be abused and blame the abuser. The victim would then turn it on the victim and make it their fault. An example the movie gives is the victim says, “You pushed me down the stairs,” and the abuser responds with, “You fell down the stairs you don’t remember that?” The victim eventually after being told it was their fault begins to believe the abuser’s story and that is the new memory replaced in their mind. Abusers often turn the blame on the victims by making them feel like they’re mentally ill as well. When people think of abuse they often think physical abuse and that is why the mental side is overlooked. Abusers use this to make the victims believe that they have something mentally wrong and should see a therapist. This turns the blame completely and leaves the victim believing they’re the root cause of the issues (Betterhelp.com).
One of the main issues that LaViolette and Barnett cover in their text is that many believe is that it is the victim’s fault. This is another example of victim blaming. So many people blame the victims, even if it isn’t intentional such as using the phrase, “Why didn’t you leave?” By not believing the victim, telling them it is partly their fault, and the lack of knowledge on dating violence contributes to this myth. This misconception is probably the most important to refute because it is the underlying cause of many other misconceptions and refuting it can be helpful in fixing the issue. It is not easy for these victims to leave, and it is not their fault in anyway that this is happening to them. This is why it is unethical for individuals to victim blame and ask why the victim didn’t leave. In a way they’re making the situation worse and contributing to the stigma and fear of domestic violence.
It is important to note that the reasons above are not the only reasons why women don’t leave abusive relationships. There are an infinite number of reasons because every case is different and so is every woman and her experiences. It is also important to understand in this paper why I chose to refer to the abuser as a male and the victim as female. I chose to do this for two reasons, one because it was easier to understand and would make this paper easier to read, and secondly because men are most commonly the abusers and women are most commonly the victims. I am not saying that men are not victims of domestic violence; that is not true. There are many men who are victims, but the number of female victims is way higher. The number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488. The number of American women during that time who were murdered by their current, or ex male partners was 11,766 which is almost double the number of people lost during war (Vagianos, 2017). This statistic shows the severity of domestic violence especially surrounding women.
In order to reduce the number of domestic violence incidents, help the victims, and stop victim blaming we need to educate the public on these misconceptions and the truths. Many of these misconceptions stem from society and the beliefs our culture holds. We still in America have a very patriarchal society where the men are in control, dominant, and run the household. This is slowly changing but we need to stop this patriarchy and allow women to be equals. We also see domestic violence a lot in films and video games, which subconsciously supports it. If in these media platforms the abuse is not addressed properly and is dismissed as okay, it is telling viewers that abuse in these situations is also okay (Marganski, 2018). Another reason why we need to educate the public is because many still believe it is a family matter and that it stays with the family. This ideology traps the victim because many see it and do not report or reach out to the victim. By educating the public, we can begin to prevent domestic violence and at the same time aid the victim in escape and recovery.
By educating the public we are also educating the victim on resources they can use when they’re experiencing abuse. Many individuals do not know where to turn or run when they are in trouble. If we educate the public more, then these victims will understand firstly that they’re suffering from domestic violence whether it is financial, emotional, physical, or a combination of the three and that it is not okay. They will better understand what their options would be such as calling a hotline or heading to a shelter. And then by educating we can help victims’ families better understand what domestic violence is and how they should respond in a situation. By doing this, we can make things better for victims and allow them to escape.
Another thing we must do as a society is provide support to these victims. The NCADV document lists only three Domestic Violence Programs in Syracuse: Liberty Resources, LA LIGA Spanish Action League, and Vera House. A visit to each of these program websites, however, shows that the Vera House is the only program focused specifically on Domestic Violence. Liberty Resources offers several social programs in Syracuse, however its domestic violence shelters and resources are specific to Madison County, not Onondaga. The LA LIGA Spanish Action League has some assistance for victims of domestic abuse, among its many other social services. It actually refers clients for shelter to the Vera House. The Chadwick Residence, another resource we found in Syracuse, does offer assistance to victims of family violence, however its main mission seems to be to offer a variety of services to help women who are homeless. On a typical day, [in New York State] domestic violence hotlines receive approximately 21,000 calls, an average of close to 15 calls every minute” (NCADV, 2015). In Central New York, as well as the rest of the U.S., there needs to be more programs, beyond hotlines, to specifically help victims of domestic abuse.
Shelters such as Vera House and Chadwick do offer a wide variety of services for victims of physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. Their services attempt to reach a multitude of groups including minorities, men, women, children, and adolescents. Some programs and services offered by these resources include 24-hour crisis lines, prevention and education programs, emergency shelter services, rape and sexual assault crisis services, and more. However, on the local scale, while Vera House and Chadwick Residence are great services, they are limited in availability, and due to funding they are limited in their staffing which then limits access to resources. Services like these shelters are nonprofit and some of their staff base is made up of volunteers, which may make the job positions more difficult to fill. In order to further help victims, we need to increase the amount of shelters all around the nation and fund them more money in order to hire more help, fund more programs, and create a better environment for victims.
It is unethical to victim blame and tells the victims of domestic violence that they should’ve just left. There is so much going on behind the scenes for these individuals that makes it incredibly hard to leave such as the fact that they’re seventy times more likely to be killed once they leave. It is a topic that is hard for people to understand because it involves all different kinds of manipulation. One way to help these victims is to offer more services and educate the public. If you have suspicion report it don’t think of it as a private matter because someone really might need your help.