I grew up with the famous bible verse from Micah 7:19, “He will turn again, and have compassion upon us: he will subdue our iniquities, and cast all their sins into the bottom of the sea.” However, this quote was defined as “let go and let God.” This idea made me believed that once I forgave, I moved on with my life. Through the book Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons I was able to understand the process of forgiveness in psychotherapy through its four phases. Within these four stages of forgiveness, uncovering, decision, work and deepening, I was able to understand that letting go and letting God was not enough for me but letting go to an deeper understanding to why gave me peace of mind. My form for letting go became a form storing resentment or pretending that my anger was not there. Within my journey to forgiveness I realized that letting go became my form of denial because I pretended to be okay although my offender had emotionally hurt me.
So there was a guy by name Kelso, who I was talking to for quite some time, after admitting feelings for each other I became hopeful and was I was seriously considering dating this individual. After all we had share many private moments, went out on one-one dates and were, per say on each other minds. I remember telling myself that this was the guy that I have dreamt of, tall, kind-hearted, thoughtful, goal-orientated, adventurous, humbled and trustworthy. For a split second there I was able to see further future than just dating. Unfortunately, things did not work out because he was talking to another person while speaking to me although I believed it did not bother me, but I was hurt. I was shocked that he had not been honest with me, and I that had to find out through third parties, social media, that he had an official girlfriend.
I based my denial on pep talking myself, believing that I was not hurt and justifying why he had decided to be with his now girlfriend. I attempted to forget that he existed as a person and I completely stopped talking and acknowledging him. After all my ideal of forgiveness was forgive, forget and let God. As a result, I avoided my feelings of disappointment and anger, which made me feel bitter, preoccupied with unanswered questions. Was I not good enough? What did she have that I did not? My own answers to my own question were not enough that I had gone far enough to look this woman through social media, she is fair, beautiful, and accomplished so much in her life. This person is a journalist, writer, TV host to the AfterBuzz, entrepreneur and storyteller. As a result, instead of giving me a peace of mind it ignited my anger, not toward her, but me because I was no were near successful as she was. It made me think that that was the reason why Kelso did not chose me; I was more of a child learning how to walk. I dealt with those feelings by going out with different people to have a good time, venting to my close friends on how I was lied too. I became obsessive with his relationship by finding out what he was doing, where he was going, but at the same time I experience guilt and shame. It had tuned into my dirty little secret because I presented to everyone around me a persona who was emotionally well when deep down I was broken. I was angry with myself because I compare with myself to his girlfriend, I felt inferior to her. Her was success made mine looked as nothing, but at the same time was happy for her.
As I worked through my steps to forgiveness I realized that my definition of forgives was not truly genuine. I learned that forgiveness is not forgetting because it does not eliminate the events from the past. Forgiveness does not justify ones action or puts an excuse to the wrongdoer. Forgives is a continuum progress to why one chooses to forgive the wrongdoer, abandons the resentment, reflects compassion and humanizes the wrongdoer. Throughout my journey of forgiveness I began to experience the beginning of forgiveness for the wrongdoer because I came to an understanding that forgiveness in a day-to-day progress. I have sincerely been trying to internally confront my offender; it has made me realize that I have been angry with him and not his girlfriend. Through this process I continued to speak to one of my dear friend about Kelso, however it was almost always to belittle him as person to make me feel better. I regarded him, as “he is someone not worth my time or effort” since I knew I had not lost anything. I realized that all along I have been having a cloaked revenge against Kelso, so his action would not get under my skin. I truly thought he did not need my forgiveness because the damage was done and he was happy posting pictures from left to right with his girlfriend. But came to realize that he did not need my forgiveness because it not about what he did but what I did. I needed to forgive myself for comparing myself, I did not give myself the value that I deserve, I was so invested in following his lives in his new relationship while I was bitter wondering about why he did not choose me?
During the progress of forgiveness I have decided to be willing to forgive my offender. According to the Enright Fitzgibbons my form of forgiveness was reductionists thinking by letting time heal my hurt feelings and forgetting. But I realized that in my resentment I held anger toward my offender and it was misplaced toward my boyfriend, Oscar. My anger was directed towards him by not trusting him or being full honesty. I became emotionally distant towards him, and that lead to continuous arguments, and silent dates. I realized that it has been difficult for me to be sensitive to his feelings and communicate my emotions. It led me to not be committed, as much I wanted to be in my relationship. I miss directed my anger in passive-aggressive way, but withholding my love to a man that truly loves me. Not only was my prior relationship with Kelso consuming my thought process, dreams, and it was causing damage in my relationship with Oscar. My boyfriend did not understand why I was so emotionally distance and why I always seemed to put him last for everything.
I have committed myself in forgiving my wrongdoer in order to forgive myself, because I became aware that I was misdirecting my anger and emotionally hurting Oscar. I learned that forgiveness does not mean that I have to forget the feeling deception, but understand why some people sometimes are afraid to be honest. On occasions I reminded myself to try to understand why he had chosen not to be honest with his feeling. Maybe Kelso was afraid of hurting my feelings or maybe he did not know how to express himself due to his own military experiences as a veteran. I know that sometimes being part of a military life self-care and talking about ones experience or feeling is not a priority. I was able to understand why it was so difficult for him to make a decision in coming forward to me in an honest matter; honesty is not always easy. Although I have found a way of understanding why my offender did what he did, I would like to speak to him and tell him how he made me feel when I found out that he had found his significant other. This would not be to tell him that I forgave him but to also apologize for making him nonexistent in my life. I felt that every time he tried to reach out to me I would be spiteful and tell not to worry about my feelings because I did not waste my time and that I happy where I was. But the reality was different I was pushing and transferring my angry feeling towards him when he wanted to reach out. This why I know I need to confront Kelso to accept his reason and understand his train of thought.
I know that it is safe and possible to speak to my offender, now I know that I need to find the time to do it. I have mentioned it to him, and he knows that I wish to speak to him, yet something keeps pushing me back. It not the idea that I have not forgave him, because I can but it the idea of having my feeling tangle up, I do not know what to expect and that is what scares me. Sometimes, I go through the day knowing that sometimes things do not go out as planned for better or worse. But I truly believe that I cannot go through life reminiscing of what could have been, when we are both happy. Kelso has his girlfriend and I have my boyfriend who has been there and patient with me. I was mad at Kelso, but I was more mad and upset at myself because I was comparing myself to his girlfriend and not giving myself credit or self-worth of my own accomplishment. I am willing to explore forgiveness by becoming aware of the idea of abandoning resentment and becoming free from the emotional pain from the past. Another encouraging influence in forgiving my wrongdoer is the ability to express my resentment appropriately until my resentment diminishes and improving my relationship with my boyfriend, Oscar.
Although, I am working on forgiving the man that swindled me to pour out my emotions and all of me to him, I know I still need spiritual help. Religion is a very important part in my life, know that forgiveness is major part of the doctrine, however requires empathy and compassion. I could understand why Kelso was not forthright, but I do now know if I am empathic toward him. Yes I am happy for him, but it sucked when I was hurting and did not value myself or knew my own worth at that point in time. I know that his hurtful event happened and it is now part of me as an experience that I do not necessarily need to forget, but be okay with my decision. Over all, my offender is charming, friendly and from what I know he treats people with the deserved respect. So I know that I need to treat my offender with respect and in a friendly manner if I were ever to cross path with him.
I have grown through my many efforts whenever my offender and I cross path I speak to him in a friendly, cordial way it has helped me heal from my emotional suffering. Also I have chosen to speak to my boyfriend, Oscar, about my past and why I was so distant with him. I told him, how hurt I was and how I was misdirecting my anger towards him and asked him for his forgiveness. My efforts have made me feel free from the heavy and unwanted anger I felt towards Kelso and myself, I was disappointed that Kelso lead me on and frustrated that I compare myself to another individual. I realized that I am no better than anyone else but I am just the person that I am. My relationship with Oscar has grown after I shared a little bit of my past experience with Kelso, as a result it made me realize that I was not alone in my suffering because I realize that others too have had relationships that have hurt them in different types of ways.
Through this personal journey of forgiveness I have discovered that a big part of my anger was at myself and that everything else trickled down in putting the blame on someone else, and pushing those feelings to another person. I realized that I did not give myself the value that I deserve and did not think of myself in high regards. Rather I found a way to compare myself to another person’s success and did not acknowledge my own success. I realized that I needed to forgive myself in order to forgive Kelso for hurting my feelings, but I need to ask for forgiveness to my boyfriend. I came in awe moment when I grasped the genuine idea of forgiveness because is not forgive, forget and let God, but forgiveness became the idea that I need to forgive with cognizant reason to why and understand the offender’s circumstances. But ultimately being okay that I forgave and it is not chaining me down through my life.