Imagine being a twenty-five-year-old, newly married woman, ready to start a family. After years of countless doctor visits, doses upon doses of fertility drugs, and even surgeries, you are told, with no explanation as to why, that you are unable to have children. Finally, at the age of 34, you and your husband decide to apply to adopt. Three years later, you are blessed with a baby girl. This is Diane’s story. Unfortunately, many women experience the hardships of the inability to conceive a baby, many go without explanation as to why. Adoption makes it possible for those women to be the mothers they have always desired to be.
Many women who cannot become pregnant, cannot do so due to infertility. Infertility is when a couple is unable to become pregnant after intercourse following a year of without birth control (Affairs 2017). Upon discovering she is infertile, many women experience the five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness, and Acceptance (American Adoptions, Inc). Not all women experience all five, some only encounter a few of them. Diane, however, has experienced all of them.
Diane expressed that she faced denial when she could not believe or did not want to believe that she was unable to become pregnant. She encountered anger towards herself, feeling as though there was something wrong with her as a woman. She endured bargaining through the countless treatments and surgeries. She suffered through sadness at the fear of not being able to have a family and child of her own. She came to terms with acceptance at the realization that there are other options and that becoming pregnant was not the goal, but to become a parent.
A common misconception within adoption is that the adoptive parents will be unable to love a child as much as they could, had the child been produced biologically. However, it is not DNA that makes a family, it is the love and bonds created within the family. When people become parents, whether biological or adoptive, milestones are created just the same. Diane expressed how “from the day they brought my daughter home, she was ours, biology did not matter, we were finally parents and had a family, that’s all that mattered.”
For women like Diane, motherhood is possible through adoption. Without adoption, many women who wish to be mothers would not be able to. Adoption offers an alternative option to both the biological mother as well as the adoptive mother. For the birth mother, it offers her the ability to continue on with her life, without having to endure an abortion, or experience motherhood at the point in her life. For the adoptive mother, it offers her the ability to become a mother, which otherwise might not be possible.
Now, imagine you are an eighteen-year-old woman, preparing to enter your senior year of high school when unexpectedly, you discover you are with child. You evaluate your options on how to handle this situation. There is: keeping the child and potentially missing out on all senior year has to offer, abortion, which by many people is considered the quick and easy way out, or there is adoption. Knowing that you are incapable to care for this child, but also that you do not have the heart to go through with an abortion, you decide on adoption. You decide on adoption because although you are unable and not ready to be a mother, it does not mean that someone else is. While offering the ability for women unable to become pregnant to become mothers, adoption also provides an alternative to women who are not ready to be mothers.
Half of pregnancies in the United States are unplanned (Unplanned 2018). With unplanned pregnancies comes many decisions. There is choosing to raise the child, abortion, adoption. If a woman was not planning to become pregnant, but decides she wants to keep the bay it is important for her to examine whether or not she is fit and able to support a baby. Two major attributes come into play when raising child; financial and family stability. It is important for expecting mothers to really evaluate whether or not keeping the child would really be what is best for the child and herself. If not, adoption would insure that the child would be in the care of people who are capable of the necessary support.
Another option for unplanned expecting mothers would be abortion. According to Planned Parenthood, “millions of people face unplanned pregnancies every year, and about 4 out of every 10 of them decide to get an abortion (Parenthood). Many women feel as though abortion is the quick and easy way out, however it is important for expecting mothers to understand, that may not always be the case. The decision to have an abortion is something that expecting mothers will have to live with for the rest of their lives and many run the risk of experiencing side effects of PASS or post abortion stress syndrome.
Symptoms of PASS may include: guilt, anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and even suicidal thoughts (“Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)- Does it Exist?). According to Megan Burnett, “30% of women face serious chronic mental health problems post abortion, the rate of deliberate self-harm is 70% higher among women who chose abortion versus women wo gave birth, and the suicide rate is 154% higher among women who chose abortion versus given birth (Burnett 2015). If more women chose to give birth and place the child up for adoption, less women would be susceptible to higher rates chances of self-harm and suicide. In comparison, women who place their child up for adoption also face post effects, very similar to the effects experienced by women who discover they are infertile. The birth mother may experience “shock and denial, sorrow and depression, anger, guilt, and acceptance following the surrendering of their baby” ("Impact of Adoption on Birth Parents: Responding to the Adoptive Placement"). It is important to note that these feelings are in fact normal. When the ‘acceptance’ finally sinks in, it is not that they are forgetting the child, rather tolerating the loss, and continuing on with life.
Aside from the argument of abortion being the quick and easy way out, many believe that abortion is not the act of taking a human life. However, the moment “the sperm attaches to an egg, a human zygote is formed” (Burnett 2015). A human zygote possesses all potential for a human baby to form with only unnatural, unchangeable occurrences (miscarriage) and abortion being factors for terminating it, therefore abortion is in fact the taking of a human life.
Reasons for an abortion vary among all women who decide to have the procedure done. Perhaps the most controversial as to why abortions should remain legal being rape. However, abortions in the instance of rape only account for 1% of abortions performed. Abortions performed due to preconceived natural difficulties within the child or fatality of the mother account for only 3% and 4%, respectfully, of abortions. The remaining 92% of abortions are performed due to:
• would interfere with the mothers’ education or career (4%)
• the mothers’ are not mature enough to raise a child (7%)
• the mother does not want to be a single mother (8)
• the mother was done having children (19%)
• the mother is unable (financially) to have a baby (23%)
• the mother is not ready for a child (25%)
• other (6%) (“U.S. Abortion Statistics)
All the remaining reasons for an abortion listed above would be able to be resolved through adoption. If having a child would interfere with one’s career, the mother is financially unstable, or the mother was simply done having children, they should strongly consider giving women whose careers would not be compromised, are financially capable, and have not yet been able to experience having a child, the ability to become mothers.
Lastly, expecting mothers have the option of adoption. This method would not only give the birth mother the ability to continue with her original plans for her life, but would help fulfill the plans of another woman’s life who is longing to become a mother. There are two forms of adoption: open and closed. An open adoption is when the birth parents legally sign away their parental rights of the child, but remain in contact with the child throughout his or her life. A closed adoption is when the birth parents legally sign away their parental rights of the child as well as all contact with the child. The decision on which form of adoption to pursue is entirely up to the biological mother. Women who chose to place their child up for adoption, open or closed, do so knowing that their child will be taken care of, loved, and given a better life than they themselves (the birth mother) could ever provide for them. Placing a child up for adoption is one of the most selfless acts of love a woman could ever do, for the baby and the parents looking to adopt.
For as long as I can remember, my mother, Diane, was honest with me about me being adopted. It was never a secret, never something to be ashamed of, it was just part of my story. Although I do not know much about why I was placed up for adoption, due to my case being a closed adoption, there are a few details that I am aware of. I was adopted when I was just six months old. My adoptive mother was already 37, my dad, 38. For years, my mother tried to have a child, but simply just couldn’t. Sadly, this is much more common among women than one would think. After years of trying, my parents decided to apply to adopt a child. They didn’t tell my extended family, just as a precaution should something not work out. Three years later, I was born. What traditionally would take 3-4 months, my adoption process took 6 months before I was finally placed with my now family. I was in foster care during that period and the reason I could not yet be placed with my family, is because it is believed my birth mother was trying to somehow have me back.
Growing up, I naturally had questions for my mom about my adoption. I was always told that it was not a matter of my birth mother not wanting me, but that she just couldn’t take care of me, whether that be financially or another reason. Recently I have also been informed that my biological mother and father were not married, which according to Guttmacher, unmarried people account for 46% of all abortions. I also discovered that my biological parents were even older than my adoptive parents were at the time of my adoption, which leads me to believe that they were not financially stable, my mother did not want to be a single mother, or that they were already done having children. Although my mother may have been single or not financially stable, she did not feel as though my life was any less important. Just because she could not provide me with the life every child deserves, she did not take that right away from those who wanted a child and were financially stable.
Due to being adopted 20 years ago, I have been given a life some people only dream about. My mom always told me, “God picked you to be our daughter,” and I never once doubted her. The relationship I have with both of my parents is truly unmatched. I have a mother who I go to for absolutely everything and can tell anything to. I am the typical “daddy’s girl” and my dad is undoubtedly my best friend and the person I can count on for anything. I’ve been given a huge Italian family that is as close as close can get. I’ve been given a beautiful, comfy home. I’ve been given the ability to go to college and pursue a career that I love. If it was not for my adoption, I would not be where I am today. If it were not for Diane, I would not be the woman I am today.
My biological mother, like most biological mothers, just want what is best for their baby, even if they are not the ones who will provide it. I feel as though adoption should be viewed and considered more closely as an alternative to abortion because abortion is not the quick and easy fix like many believe. If a woman feels she is unfit to be a mother, whatever the case may be, maybe there is a woman out there who would be a perfect fit to be that child’s mother.