The future is such a vague term. It can mean 5 seconds from now or 50 years from now. The thought of it can introduce feelings of excitement or fear. Regardless of the distance or emotion, it is unknown. That is, unknown to me. There is One who knows my next step, my next year, my lifetime. More than knowing, He planned it. He secured every detail of my life, every coincidental situation, every moment that seems inconvenient. It has been masterfully placed on a Maya Timeline, a timeline that if left alone, will bring Him all the glory and allow me a glimpse of His face. Unfortunately, that’s often not the case. We, as confident, self-seeking humans, meddle with our own timelines. We believe we know best, where our next steps should take us. We convince ourselves that we have control. We feed ourselves lies, candy-coated in cute Pinterest quotes about “mastering your own destiny” and elevating selfishness to “discover all that you can be.” This is so far from the truth, but we are desperate for power so we believe it.
I am just as guilty. The idea of being in control of your own destiny, changing your fate, is inviting. It’s empowering and motivating. And I do believe that taking steps to better yourself is a very important part of life. The problem is the motivation and belief behind the action.
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” Proverbs 16:9
You see, our sense of control is false. We want so badly to be in control, but we are so small. We are flawed, and we know it. I don’t know anyone who would actually claim to be perfect, never having made a single mistake. I know this will not be the same thought as those who don’t believe the Bible, but, if we were created by an all powerful, all knowing God, why would we not trust Him? If He can breathe out stars and divide the oceans with His voice, shouldn’t He be able to handle your schedule? Why don’t we let Him? Why don’t I let Him?
This is one of my biggest struggles, letting go of the reins. When really, I never even had the reins. It is so hard for me to admit that I need help. I don’t even like asking other people for help, why would I ask God? I have convinced myself that asking for help shows weakness. Not physical strength, but weakness in that I am not good enough. Beyond admitting that I can’t do something, asking for help means that I actually have to accept help. I have to trust that someone else knows better than I. That their thoughts/methods are superior to mine. It’s all pride. Pride that we actually teach and encourage from a young age. No, we don’t tell children that they should be prideful. But it’s like an unspoken rule in our culture that if you don’t understand something, if you need help, then clearly you’re not good enough. We would rather struggle and suffer on our own then face the embarrassment and humiliation of asking someone else for help.
This is so backwards.
We have a Heavenly Father with all the answers. Literally, all the answers because He created everything we are questioning. Who is the real fool? The one who pretends to know everything just to avoid submission, or the one who humbly asks the master for the answer?
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
What a beautiful promise we’re given. Like all scripture, this promise must be taken in context. Jesus is not saying, “If you pray and ask God for a million dollars, He will give it to you.” This is all about desiring God. We are promised that yearning after God, after His will, is never in vain. If you seek Him, He won’t avoid you. He won’t give you false information. He wants to be found by you. Jesus continues to say,
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11
I don’t have children, so I don’t know the feeling of giving to your own kids. But, I do know the feeling that comes from just giving to people in general. The “it is better to give than to receive” is so true. Inside us is the desire to give to others, to see them light up at a thoughtful surprise. If we, imperfect people, love showering and blessing our loved ones, how much more does our Heavenly Father, the perfect creator, desire to bless us? We have to allow Him. Because He is perfect, His will is perfect, He cannot bless us when we are actively chasing things outside of His will. He wants to give us all the good things, but we need to ask. We need to submit.
My mind is wandering and I’m not really on the same train of thought that I originally boarded.
Back to destiny, fate, the Maya timeline.
I’m about to start my senior year of high school. Sometimes I feel old and reminiscent. Sometimes I feel painfully young and inexperienced. In this stage of life, there are two topics on conversation. Careers and college. Neither of which I am prepared for. Nevertheless, they’re coming. College is coming quicker.
Many nights, I lay awake thinking about my future. This sounds so cliché, but it’s true. Unfortunately, this isn’t cute, plan your dream wedding, thinking. This is stress, think of all the worst possible outcomes like ending up homeless and alone, thinking. I work myself up with all the ifs and maybes. I know in my heart that I’m not big enough to handle my own future, but my pride refuses to let me believe that anyone else is either, including God.
The way my school works, you choose a “career academy” your freshman year and take electives within that academy to prepare for a certain career field. So, from first year you better have a pretty good idea of what career you want. I sometimes feel behind, thinking that I have limited myself to one career path.
I am constantly reminded, through scripture and other people, that my future rests in God’s hands. That He has a perfect time and place for every moment of my life. And I try so hard to force myself to believe that. But, it can’t be forced. I’ve been praying that His will for me would be revealed. Really, I just want a big neon flashing sign that says “Maya, this is what I want you to do for the rest of your life.” That hasn’t popped up anywhere. Yet.
But, today has been strangely comforting. I’m currently reading through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.
Today’s reading was titled, “The Key to Missionary Devotion.”
*Side Note: No, I’m not about to say that I feel called to missions in a 3rd world country. Don’t worry, mom.*
The devotion referenced 3 John 7, “For His name’s sake they went forth…”
In his commentary, Chambers said “Our Lord has told us how Love to Him is to manifest itself… ‘identify yourself with My interests in other people, not, identify Me with your interests in other people’.” This has been running through my head all day. In church this morning, the service was dedicated to ongoing mission work in Asia, with testimonies and reports from members of the mission organization. Once again, this is not the moment when I reveal that I have felt my life called to overseas missions. But, it was another thing that hit my heart.
I have been involved in animal “stuff” for pretty much my entire life. From volunteering with shelter animals to rehabilitating injured wildlife to, most recently, becoming involved in veterinary medicine, I have experienced a broad range of this field. Veterinary medicine in particular has struck an interest with me. I love it. I feel blessed to have found an activity that I enjoy, that I’m somewhat good at, that can become a lifelong career. The problem is, I love nearly every aspect of it. This field is too broad. Do I want to work with small or large animals? Do I want to specialize or work general practice? Do I want to become board certified? Do I want to own a private practice? Do I want to work in research or public health? I have no idea. I feel like I’m in a sea of opportunity but I’m drowning because I can’t pick one.
I want a career that I love, but I also want to step in line with God’s will for my life. I think that so often I, and many others, assume that those can’t mix. That you can either follow your dreams or follow God’s path. This morning it finally clicked. They can be the same thing. I have been trying to fit God into my plans. Like, ok God. Give me this career and I will try to live as a witness in my chosen profession. Or. God, if you just let me have this cool job, I promise to use my work to glorify you. Yes, those are nice goals, but the motivation is wrong again.
This is what clicked this morning:
I have been trying to align God’s interests with myself. Trying to fit His will into my already-formulated plans. It needs to be the other way around. I must align myself with His interests. I must find myself in Him. Because I am in Him. I’m His. My thoughts don’t change that. My pride doesn’t change that. But it does get in the way of my obedience. I can’t fulfill all He has for me to do, I can’t enjoy Him if I keep in the back of my mind that I still know best.
All this being said, No. I don’t know exactly what I want to do. But I do know that it can’t be about me. I know that I don’t want this to be a hobby. And I don’t want it to be a job. I want it to be ministry. I can’t give it purpose on my own. I tried. I don’t know if I want to work for a large specialty clinic or for a private general practice set-up. I don’t know if I want to treat large or small or mixed animals. I’m not overly concerned with that anymore. I don’t know what my next step will be, but I know He does because “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17
I don’t have to be afraid of the future.
I don’t know what I want to do. But if it’s for Him, I know I’ll love it.