Communication is an important part of all relationships. Language is an important part of communication. This is because language helps to facilitate communication by being able to more precisely share information between people. A relationship is not possible without communication. However not all communication is good as some forms of communication can destroy relationships. Dr. John Gottman’s theory on four communication errors in relationships, also referred to as the four horsemen of the apocalypse for predicting divorce, are examples of destructive communication.
Dr. Gottman’s four horses of the apocalypse references four communication errors. The first communication error is Criticism, which is when one partner implies that something is wrong with them, it is saying that one partner is perfect and superior to the other partner. This can cause your partner to respond defensively, further negatively impacting the relationship. This leads to both partners feeling unheard. This is a very destructive form of communication and when a conflict occurs both of the partners anger increases and with that increase both people’s minds are overtaken by negative feelings. This can lead to people saying things that they don’t actually mean. A person can help ward off criticism by talking openly about their feelings.
The second communication error is Defensiveness and is when one partner is defending themselves against what they believe is an attack, one that is currently happening or that they believe will happen soon, this keeps both partners from taking responsibility. A form of defensiveness that most people don’t think of is when people are whining about things to their partner. Defensiveness can cause sudden death statements, which is declaring the end of the relationship without thinking it through. This can also be seen as a form of miscommunication as it will force the partner to decide immediately on the relationship. This can be solved by listening to your partners complaints and taking responsibility to help both your partner and yourself solve the root of the issue that has become a serious problem in your relationship.
The third communication error is Contempt. When contempt is being used one partner is putting down the other partner via mocking, name calling, etc. This can destroy one partners feelings for the other. Dr. Gottman has stated that contempt is the number one divorce predictor. Contempt can also affect a person’s health. This was shown in a study performed by Ohio State University that natural killer cells that are responsible for helping to kill both tumors and other unhealthy cells are not near as effective when a person is on either the receiving or giving end of contempt. The main issue is that this impacts your immune system and can be detrimental physically as well as mentally. The solution to this is to learn to repair and eliminate contempt in the relationship and Dr. Gottman has exercises that can help improve couples communication skills. Contempt can also cause the sharing of destructive messages such as a partners suspected infidelity, critics on your partners appearance, which can destroy a relationship.
The fourth and final communication error is stonewalling which can not only offend the other partner, but it can cause a lot of miscommunication because of the lack of language being exchanged. Communication is not only verbally but a lot of information can be exchanged through nonverbal communication. Stonewalling can occur through either a partner leaving or just shutting down the conversation. This is a very vicious cycle because the stonewalling partner is generally overwhelmed and are trying to not make the problem worse. One surprising fact about stonewalling is the 85% of people that stonewall their partners are male. A way to solve this issue is by learning the sign that lead up to your partner shutting down and how to help them let you know why.
Dr. Gottman says that while a couple that experiences one of these can be a problem, all couples at one point in time will most likely experience not only one or even all four of these communication errors it can signify the end of the relationship. However, fights and arguments happen over anything and generally happen over nothing at all. One of Dr. Gottman’s most important takeaways is that partners should never use the words “You never”, “You always”, or anything that could be insulting or that makes you superior to your partner. You are a partner with the other person and should treat them as an equal. The defining factor in the relationship is how you react to the argument that will shape the relationship.
I have not been in very many romantic relationships in my life. I believe this is because I have thought of my schooling and other activities that I have been involved in as more important at the time than the relationship that I was in. My freshman year in college while I was home on thanksgiving break I was eating lunch with my mom at a Mexican restaurant. I stopped to talk to one of my close friends that I’ve known since kindergarten that was eating lunch with a guy I didn’t recognize. Little did I know that this would lead to one of the most serious relationships I have ever had. A few days later I was back at school and received a text message asking me if she could give my contact information to the guy, Alex, that she was having lunch with because he liked me. Alex and I went out multiple times a week over Christmas break and I thought that our relationship was going very strong. However, after I got back to school the relationship changed drastically. Alex was three years older than me, lived in my hometown, and had a very serious stable job as a diesel mechanic. The major problem that we ran into that caused many arguments, was the distance. I live a little over three hours away from the University and Alex wanted me to come home every single weekend, and to me this wasn’t feasible for me. I was not working at this time and only got by on what my parents would give me, which wasn’t a lot and it cost me $40 to drive home and back. I drove home to visit both him and my mom at least once a month but this wasn’t enough for him. My biggest issue and what I was offended by was his criticism of me. He believed that even though he had most weekends off of work, and had a stable job, that I should always be the one to come home because I was a student this caused me to be very defensive. This made me feel like he felt that he was more important than I was. This relationship became even more strained once I joined Zeta Tau Alpha, a sorority at the beginning of February he was very upset. He believed that he should be more important than my schooling and activities at school. I believe that part of the reason he was like this was because in High School he hated it and didn’t go to college and he didn’t understand why I wanted to. He also didn’t understand why I not only want to get my bachelor’s degree but continue to further my education when I go to medical school. We ended up breaking up shortly after this event because I didn’t see a way for us to work out the problem of being long distance with him not willing to compromise or put in an equal effort. I do however believe that if I had known about some of Dr. Gottman’s strategies, our relationship would have been much stronger. I believe that if we would have been able to talk to each other face to face, then we would have been able to communicate more efficiently. I realize that I could have improved my communicate more efficiently. I realize that I could have improved by communication skills and I could have tried to put more time and effort into this relationship.
Overall all relationships can be improved by improving how you communicate with your partner. No matter how strong your relationship is with your partner it can be made stronger. One way is by becoming aware of Dr. Gottman’s 4 horseman of the apocalypse for relationships which are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling which are all types of destructive communication. The most important aspect in keeping the relationship going is to communicate with your partner and share your feelings with them.